hopeless and helpless

I've been working hard towards self-sufficiency all my life, but it would appear that I've failed miserably.  Depending on how you look at it, maybe I've just had a much longer climb to get there, and society isn't accommodating of people progressing at different rates.  There's a trajectory we're supposed to stay on, and when we fall off, it can be hell trying to get back on track.  Some succeed, but many more never do.

The longer we take, the worse our prospects get.  They say that after some time, people basically become unemployable, which tends to mean fucked, in all sorts of ways.

I don't really know what it's like to be busy.  I've always run out of other resources well before time.  Mostly sanity.  For most of my life, I've had nothing but free time, and it's horrible.  I wish I had places to go and things to do that actually mattered to me, but that is not how it's gone.  My life has been shaped by the problems I had when I was younger, and now I have no idea how to do anything to change it.

Each time I move, there's been this hope that I might find opportunities that weren't to be found elsewhere, but it's always the same.  The sort of solutions I'd be given if I were to seek professional help would not be cognitively engaging.  Doing something tedious for minimum wage would not make my life better.

This fire that's raging inside my skull at the moment makes me realize that my neuroendocrine system might have tricks I was not aware of.  Responses to stimulus that have not always been there, maybe.  I feel like I could be doing a whole lot more with my life.  I'm even wondering if it's just that I'm finally free of caffeine addiction, in combination with everything else.

I got five hours of sleep last night, no coffee, yet I'm chomping at the bit for something to do.  This is really weird.  I've also lost all interest in Facebook and Twitter.  I don't care at all right now.  I keep checking it out of habit, but I have no comment on any of it.  I don't want to read or argue about whatever distraction might be dominating the current news cycle.  I really don't want to play video games, although that's been waning for some time.  I desperately need some kind of direction.

I've also had no appetite.  If I didn't know better, I'd think my brain might have figured out how to produce it's own Adderal.  What am I supposed to do with it though?  This is where people suggest going to the library or volunteering at a soup kitchen.  Laudable goals sure, but I'm not sure they understand the problem.