muy triste

Had to explain to two of my teachers today that I lost someone to suicide recently.  I'm having trouble even looking like I'm ok.  I have to at least make it to classes to qualify for financial aid, but I'm a wreck.  I haven't been able to do much more than that.  I was ok for a few days, but it started with looking at a picture of her.  Something I haven't done in years.  Barely remembered what she looked like, right?

Now I can't make it stop.  I never really moved on in a healthy way, just buried it all behind me.  Suddenly it's distracting, exhausting, a more acutely painful wound, that I realize isn't going to be healing all that soon.  I just want to sleep and cry and I keep losing track of why anything matters.  My teachers will cut me some slack, but I need to get it together.  I'll be fine in a few days right?  Maybe a week?

WEDNESDAY, 10:45 PM

Meh, but life goes on.  All caught up on my assignments, aside from an English paper about something that happened to me sometime.  I think I can handle that one.  It's looking like I won't be acing anything just yet, though. Maybe next semester, after I've shaken some of this rust off, but for now, I'm just hoping to pass everything.

FRIDAY, NOON

To convey my comprehension of narrative and description, I even finished my little essay about that time I moved to Winooski.  My English teacher suggested being upfront about this suicide business, lest teachers mistake my behavior for disinterest and apathy.  No, nothing like that, I thought.  I've gotten pretty good at keeping that much to myself.

i'm sorry, jenny

Everyone tells me not to feel guilty and the like.  It's not that I feel guilt, I argue, but I could have handled the situation better.  I could have been a better person.  It's not outside the realm of possibility that this would have made a difference.

All so very reasonable.  It's just a fact, and some regret is probably healthy.  I believe in trying to be a better person, and this means being able to face when we haven't been.  How serious the consequences can be.  One person inadvertently took it a step further though.  I shouldn't feel responsible for her death.  I suppose some would call that the same thing, but it's not.

A few hours later, it occurs to me that I do.  I didn't just "handle things badly."  I was outraged that she didn't want to be with me anymore.  She said that she wanted to stay friends, but I cut her out of my life completely.  It took me years to forgive her, but it seemed far too late to worry about it too much.   I had no idea how badly she was doing.  Can I honestly be sure that I did not contribute to that?

No, I can't.  I can't even say that I didn't try.  I wanted her to feel bad.  I can't even say that I didn't know she was a vulnerable person, on an already fraught path.  I never thought it through.  I just thought I was right to feel what I felt - but this means nothing.

That isn't the person I want to be, and it's not the person I have to be.  I know that the most I can do is to be better, going forward.  Of course it hurts, but it is what it is.

   9:00 pm   

It occurs to me that more broadly speaking, I've been doing the same to everyone else.  It's how I cope with living in a society that doesn't seem to like me very much.  My self-esteem behind a bristling wall of well fuck you too.

It doesn't matter if I'm right to feel that way.  It's not all about me. It's not some finely constructed philosophical argument, but my twice exceptional ego run amok.  Consequentially speaking, it also seems to be a bad approach to life.

   1:00 am   

It's a good thing I never keep alcohol around anymore, but no matter how stoned I get, it's just not the same.  I'm still way too lucid and conscious.

This is a horrible way to realize that I still care about a person so much.

suicide

Jenny took her own life a few days ago.  I had no idea she was even struggling.  I haven't spoken to her since we broke up.  I just assumed she's probably doing great without me, and would be happier never hearing from me again.  There were countless times over the years, when I'd think about contacting her, just to see how she's doing, but I'd burned that bridge for no good reason.

Maybe it wouldn't have made any difference, but I don't know that.  Maybe it would have made all the difference.  All I know is that I shut down the possibility itself, and I feel sick about that.  Suddenly, my perspective is very different.  My anxieties feel so trivial, reality stark and imperative.  My prideful ego, myopic and childish.

onward ho

Started learning Python in computer science, which is better than I'd expected.  Wasn't sure how basic it would be, but thought I'd have to wait until next semester to start any kind of coding.  That class has been going well, everything we've had to do somewhat interesting, and so far, effortless.  We're barely a few steps past ("hello world") for now, so we'll see how that goes.

My second Spanish class went better.  When it was my turn to express how well it was going to my classmates however, I go completely blank half the time.  Like I don't know a word of it.  Feels so familiar compared to Russian, seems like I'm learning it quickly.  Think I'll be ahead of most of the class within a few weeks, but probably still act like a deer in the headlights when they're all hola! mi nombre es, como te llamas?  It's interesting I guess, to see the way language difficulties compound social anxiety, and vice versa.  Yay, practice TT

Least I don't need to write papers or talk to anyone for math, but I'm in over my head there.  Had to skip intermediate algebra, straight into graphing and functions, which I know nothing about.  Really, still need to brush up on how to solve for X², but even here, I feel like I'm catching up quickly.  Had to buy a fancy calculator I'm still figuring out how to use.  Think by the end of the semester, I'll understand it all well enough to go back and correct any weak grades I get early on.  Some teachers let us do that, and unless I'm getting them confused, my math professor is one of them.

Finally, English Composition class.  I keep forgetting about this one.  I'm sure it will be good practice, and the teacher's criticisms probably helpful.  About as fundamental as you can get though, which is why I wanted to get it out of the way early.  This teacher is much less laid back than the others.  Right off, she buries us in color coded rainbow copies of syllabus outlines, guidelines, and other assorted informational materials.  She scares me a little.

English, Spanish, math, science.. Just like in 7th grade again.  Sort of amazing to think that's the last time I was in a situation anything like this.  Even in basic ways, like being around this many people on a regular basis.  Practicing even that itself and as uncomfortable as it gets sometimes, I have to keep reminding myself that there were reasons I hadn't tried this sooner.  Pretty good reasons.  Well, some of them, anyway.

Sometimes still feel a bit like I'm teetering precariously, and just trying not to look down.

TWO WEEKS LATER

Turns out, this was also the day Jenny killed herself.

como estas

Estoy muy nervioso, siempre.. pero, vivi mi primer dia de escuela, mi primer semestre tiempo completo. Mi profe de espanol no hablaba una palabra de ingles, cual era muy torpe. Estare atacar fuerte al Duolingo para ponerme al dia.

Also really liked the part of the class where we had to introduce ourselves to everyone five times over.  Hi, my name is ___ - what is your name?  Hi, ___ where are you from?  I am from ___.  Etc, etc, in Spanish.  My espanol is weak to say the least, but so is my English, when I have to talk to people.

Ansiedad sociales!  I found myself unable to remember anything and just embarrassing myself over and over.  Awesome.  On the upside, I'm highly motivated to practice at home until I'm speaking it fluently in my sleep.

Tomorrow, computer science and algebra.  I ordered my ridiculously overpriced books a week ago, but I guess I should have ordered them the week before that.  I was afraid I wouldn't be nervous enough, showing up  with the proper textbooks and all.

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