All so very reasonable. It's just a fact, and some regret is probably healthy. I believe in trying to be a better person, and this means being able to face when we haven't been. How serious the consequences can be. One person inadvertently took it a step further though. I shouldn't feel responsible for her death. I suppose some would call that the same thing, but it's not.
A few hours later, it occurs to me that I do. I didn't just "handle things badly." I was outraged that she didn't want to be with me anymore. She said that she wanted to stay friends, but I cut her out of my life completely. It took me years to forgive her, but it seemed far too late to worry about it too much. I had no idea how badly she was doing. Can I honestly be sure that I did not contribute to that?
No, I can't. I can't even say that I didn't try. I wanted her to feel bad. I can't even say that I didn't know she was a vulnerable person, on an already fraught path. I never thought it through. I just thought I was right to feel what I felt - but this means nothing.
That isn't the person I want to be, and it's not the person I have to be. I know that the most I can do is to be better, going forward. Of course it hurts, but it is what it is.
9:00 pm
It occurs to me that more broadly speaking, I've been doing the same to everyone else. It's how I cope with living in a society that doesn't seem to like me very much. My self-esteem behind a bristling wall of well fuck you too.
It doesn't matter if I'm right to feel that way. It's not all about me. It's not some finely constructed philosophical argument, but my twice exceptional ego run amok. Consequentially speaking, it also seems to be a bad approach to life.
1:00 am
It's a good thing I never keep alcohol around anymore, but no matter how stoned I get, it's just not the same. I'm still way too lucid and conscious.
This is a horrible way to realize that I still care about a person so much.
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