why am i doing this

Sometimes it's as if my mind works with a different sort of filing system.  I have trouble engaging with the material in such a way that I perceive the specifics to be important.  Each time I come to a similar problem, I have to figure out how to do it all over again.  Only remembering bits and pieces of what I'm supposed to be doing, even when I've finally had it all figured out already, just the other day.

I'm not so good at the jujitsu either, in large part because I can never remember any of it until I'm walking home after class.  I hate when people ask me for examples, of anything.  I don't have that kind of information on hand.  The information is all in there somewhere, but I'm terrible at finding it when I need it.  Maybe I'm just terrible with stress.  Any stress at all.  Could be a cortisol-corticotropin-pituitary thing.  Could just be from a lifetime of incessant depression.

It makes sense that I'd come around to this idea that learning is more valuable than knowing.  I can hardly remember what I've learned, anyhow.  This could be why I write, why I have been since I was a kid.  My concern that I'll forget what I'm thinking founded in that fact that I generally do.

I remember writing something about independence a while back.  My ability to function is heavily constrained and precariously dependent.  Getting myself stuck in some depressing job that's really just as precarious, constraining, and dependent would not help.  This is a problem in me, in how I interact with the world.  These things that I'm doing are about easing myself in that direction of fundamentally changing that.

If nothing else, it's important to remember why we're doing the things we do.