a like

I think a lot about what it means to like people.  How do these human relationships work?  It doesn't help that the word is such a vague simple way of covering something so complicated.  Bear in mind, even breathing is complicated if you understand the physiology of it.  We're just not wired to experience it that way.  We're wired to be pretty much oblivious.

A big chunk of it has to do with enjoying a person's company.  That is, to enjoy the experience of being in their presence.  For any number of reasons.  We might also like a person's character, like this or that about them, but that's different from enjoying a conversation.  That's a matter of chemistry.  Dopamine, oxytocin, and whatever else.  Not only our own, but the indirect chemistry of how my serotonin and cortisol levels affect yours.

Some facets of this are so simple, and yet oddly difficult in practice.  If someone makes us happy, we're a lot more likely to like them.  Making other people happy though is tricky.  One might say we should just be ourselves, but that's beside the point.  Being yourself is going to make some people more happy than others.  It's also a nonsense concept.  We are the product of circumstances.  There is no self to be, just an intricate confluence of variables at this moment in time.

It's taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I don't like people, largely because I'm too neurotic to enjoy being around them.  It's simple chemistry therein to feel that way, but it's hardly something I can blame others for.  It's not that I don't like people, per se.  It just takes a lot for me to trust anyone enough that I don't prefer to be alone.

It sucks going through life preferring to be alone.  I'm getting used to being around people more, but still a long way to go.