never happy

I don't really agree with making such comparisons, one disease being worse than another. It depends on how much you choose to value this or that, and means nothing objectively. That said, Sapolsky does make all sorts of good points. It's a great lecture. Whether or not depression is the worst disease in the world may be pointlessly debatable, but he makes a strong case for it being a hell of a lot more destructive than commonly understood. I wasn't "catastrophizing" when I realized I'd have to spend the next year letting mine metastasize unchecked.

He doesn't even cover all the ways it cripples a person, and undermines just about anything they could possibly want to be or do. Even taking suicides out of the picture, it shortens lifespans and precipitates all sorts of health problems. The more severe it gets, the more impossible it becomes to have any kind of social life. Severity is always a huge variable. It can always get worse. It can be a difficult thing to quietly watch happen to one's own life. 

Sapolsky's opening point focuses on anhedonia, but I've never had trouble appreciating a beautiful sunset. Not to mention the beautiful rainy days that so-called happy people can't seem to appreciate. I wouldn't go to all this trouble cooking if I couldn't enjoy being any good at it. 

Does any of it make me happy though? Is that what he's really talking about? Is it supposed to? Is my confusion due to semantics? I can feel pleasure, but happiness and fun are like foreign concepts to me. It is difficult to find motivation when I know that literally nothing is going to make me happy. I'm not even sure my brain can do that sort of thing, but all my life, I've held onto this sliver of hope that I might figure it out eventually.

Sometimes walking home after an exhausting class or two, I felt like I was getting closer. Feels so long ago.