infected

I haven't been getting to class all week. I tried on Monday, but went home early. I have an infection in my thumb. More severe than the typical infected cuticle I'm familiar with, it kept getting worse instead of better. My immune system didn't seem to be handling it. A concerning patch of green had begun to form under the skin. To cut to the point, it's much better after a few days worth of measures were taken, but in a grey area, as far as whether I should go back to class, just yet. 

I'm sure some would. I'm not sure they'd be right, but it also feels like it's one thing after another with me. Is this just getting older or something else? I have enough trouble with getting out the door as it is. The added indecision is too much. I err on the side of fuck it, I'm going back to bed. I used to pride myself on never getting sick or injured, but turns out that was mostly just because I never left the house.

Maybe I should be ok with this. I'm still doing great by some measures, but I just collapse. It feels like I'm failing. The pain of recent years has been too much, always facing it all alone, my coping strategies are undermined left and right. I'm trying to be optimistic and ambitious, as I struggle to make my last stand against the waves crashing down on me.

It's the end of the world, because I have an infected cuticle. I have a doctor appointment on Tuesday. My white cell count, etc came back low again. Not dangerously low, but could it be why I'm feeling crappy and failing to fight off an infection? In any case, maybe I should ask about getting back on sertraline, too.