emotional regulations

Poor emotional regulation. That's another symptom of ADHD that I've been in denial of my whole life because I find it reprehensible. I'm the kind of person who's above that sort of thing - until I put my fist through a wall. As an adult, I've never hit anyone in anger, but I can't seem to leave an apartment without leaving some damage behind. 

It's finally time to leave this one. Looks like I might have some decent options, so I'm handing it ok, so far. I worry about how I'll handle things, because I know I don't control it very well. I hesitate to face my fears, when it's my own instability I'm actually afraid of. I don't trust myself. I get overwhelmed, anxious, maybe that's all a lack of emotional regulation.

Human interaction is riddled with bumps and scrapes we're supposed to just get over, but I don't regulate that well, either. I come home from the gym feeling beat up in more ways than one, just from being around people, feeling like I'm not as much of a grown-up as people half my age. Being around people makes me feel worthless, but I'm getting better, ever so slowly, like a sloth. 

In torpere. That was supposed to mean I was like a vampire, in torpor; a drastically weakened state caused by damage or starvation. They need blood to recover, to me, a metaphor for the human connection I'd spend my whole life lamenting. The meaning has evolved over time. It wasn't supposed to mean that I'm slow, but here we are. 

It was supposed to mean that it was a temporary state. Not who I really am. I'd be great and powerful, if only.. what? Does it matter? It was a way of hiding from the reality of what I am. What I was doing. What I was being. Every day of my actual life. Judging me would be like judging someone who's in a coma, right?

In reality, I was a person spending their entire life pretending to be in a coma, to avoid being judged. I was not the great potential in my head. I am the person living this way every day. So, my self esteem is crap now. I don't regulate that very well either.

I've often contrasted myself with people who barely take emotions into account at all. People who lean psychopathic, although I hesitate to say it's necessarily that. I used to think about it as emotional depth, that I just seem to feel everything to a greater degree. A type of sensitivity that was in some sense a good thing. I get overwhelmed because I feel too much, not because I lack control? It's effectively the same thing though. Absent sufficient regulation, emotions flow like a broken water main.

Failing to find human connection because I can't handle the emotional rollercoaster of being around humans.