anchored

I can't heal, recover or move forward with my life, as long as my heart is still in Vermont. Everything I do here is just passing time until I can go back to having a life. I don't know why I'm like this, but I've long known being forced to move is terrible for me. 

This is even worse, because I can't move. It's an indefinite extended visit. I don't want to fully move here, and it isn't viable anyhow. Rents are even higher here in Philly than in Vermont, and I fucking liked Vermont!

I chose to anchor myself there for lots of reasons, much as I chose to train MMA for lots of reasons. I don't know what it's like to be anyone else, but I can't just chose to do things for which there aren't enough reasons, much of which has to do with what I need to manage and overcome my mental health issues, whatever we want to call that.

I'm clinging to the pain of what I've lost because it's all I have, all that's worked for me. Do you have any idea how hard it's been to find anything that's worked for me?

Maybe I need a therapist here. Maybe I should try meds. Except I've tried all that and so much more. I've moved from state to state nine goddamn times.