timelines

I've been having trouble remembering everything that's gone wrong lately. I have to think about it for a minute.

About eight months ago, I injured my knee. Small meniscus tear that took about six months to heal. It was depressing, I was struggling with school, failing Calculus II, and as the months went by, the injury was making it generally more difficult to cope with everything.

I had an interaction around that time, and it turned out to be a bad idea. Lasted a month or two, don't want to elaborate, but it really messed with my head. Stressful, painful, confusing. I remember thinking that it made for an especially brutal one-two combo. I remember hoping there wasn't a third strike coming.. 

Then I got the news about my Dad. He's in Hawaii with my sister now. I'm not sure I'll ever see him again. It shouldn't be one more thing to add to a list, but it is what it is. I'm coping, like I'm coping with everything else. Not very well.

Bernie's loss was devastating. I stand by everything I posted at the time. Electoral politics is fucked. My hope that anything will improve politically is fucked. This wasn't an election. This isn't a democracy, representative or otherwise. Five years invested in watching them rig it for the oligarchy again.

Then I had to stop going to visit my father, because we were hit by this global pandemic. I had to stop doing everything. Months later, they're reopening in Vermont, minus anything I'd actually want to do, but immediately we've had a few outbreaks. They're hoping it's not a trend.. but of course it is.

Nationwide rioting still ongoing. I love that they're fighting, but it's brutal to watch, and I feel helpless to do anything. I also feel hopeless about their chances of getting anywhere. Which means being anxious about any number of awful outcomes. My predictions on Minneapolis dismantling their police department? One way or another, they'll accomplish absolutely nothing.

This feels like a lot to me. It's no wonder my sanity is stretched thin, if not in absolute tatters. Not that this is the end of it. Hurricane season looming now. Won't hit me here in Vermont, but they're expecting it to be the worst ever, for some variety of reasons including climate change.

I'm pretty sure about the economic depression, too. We can't just keep bailing out wall st with trillions of dollars, without consequence. Given all this chaos, our leaders will be worse than ever at handling it. Not sure how much time we have before that hits, but dealing with natural disasters isn't going to help. Neither will the mounting civil unrest. No question, it will be getting worse.

There's a terrifying amount of awful shit happening in the world at the same time, but my personal life hasn't been going so well, either. It's so bad, it's surreal. What if I could just disconnect. Be objective. This is the world, exploding. It's not going to go very well, but it is interesting to watch unfold. What if I had a life to live, and I weren't sitting at home all day doing nothing. That might help too.

hyperbole

I've never thrown around words like fascism, nazis, or genocide before. I was always the one to argue that the world isn't ending. Society isn't collapsing. No one but the Nazis were Nazis. This begs the question, has the world changed, or have I?

This is not the sort of question where I can say both, and move on. No, the world has changed such that things are incredibly bad, or it hasn't. If it has, then of course it's both, because that's freaking me the fuck out. If it hasn't changed, and it's just me.. that's something else entirely. This is why I go through this over and over. It's an important distinction.

So, I'm thinking if it's just hyperbole, why would I do this? Why the impulse to exaggerate? An example came to mind, one I've never used, but seemed to work well. Like insisting that mass incarceration is genocide. 

Clearly, mass incarceration is not genocide, right? I can imagine why I might go that way though. Mass incarceration is an atrocity, and I don't think people appreciate how wrong it is. Some might ask how the Germans let it happen.. but look around us. Given modern technology, we have far less excuse than they did.

It's pretty damn bad in any case, and maybe I want to make the case more strongly. Maybe if I exaggerate that will break through the callousness - but wait. Why do I feel mass incarceration is that bad? What if it's the intuition that's really telling me something here. What if I'm not exaggerating.

Is anyone going to dispute that prison destroys lives? We lock up tens of millions of people, more than anywhere else in the world. A lot of it is ethnically motivated. Almost all of it is class motivated. It has destroyed entire communities around the country. 

Holy shit. It is essentially genocide. A difference more of kind than degree. 

Am I wrong?

This isn't even getting into the thousands of Americans killed by the state per year, the people starved by our sanctions, or bombed in the middle east. We've got tens of thousands of immigrants being raped and tortured in cages. We get hit with a pandemic, and just let hundreds of thousands of people die in an effort to protect the economy. We've got an unaccountable police force brutally suppressing the right to protest. They've killed at least fifteen protesters so far, but that barely makes the news.

How can I blame Trump, when the free press is complicit? How can I blame Trump, when Democrats won't even speak on these issues, let alone try to actually do anything? Not to mention Republicans of course. All of this has been going on well before Trump. All of this will continue when he's gone. We're fucking monsters.

Am I wrong?

We've just gotten better at keeping it out of public view. Abusing and killing people in ways that can be passed off as justified, unintentional, a million different isolated incidents, bad apples, and ill considered policy.

first they came for the socialists

Always bothered me when people act like Trump is bringing fascism. Not because it couldn't happen here - for one thing, it is already happening here. For another, Trump has almost nothing to do with it. He's the result of our system and our voters, including all the ways votes were manipulated and the way power is structured. The problem is not that Trump is POTUS, but that we live in a country that elected someone like him - and will do so again, if not someone worse. Not as a matter of democratic will, but broader systemic consequence.

Maybe Biden wins this next round - a feat that would practically require the four horsemen of the apocalypse to accomplish - but holy shit, that's about what's happening, right before the goddamn election. Still, if he wins, Biden doesn't change anything for the better. He won't do anything about the police, but he will throw us into a deep austerity, in response to the economic depression that's coming. It will be bipartisan, thanks to him. Yay, I'm sure that will appease the consequent civil unrest.

It will be brutal. A Republican wins in 2024, no problem. This country has gotten worse since 2016. The Republican nominee will be even worse. I'm guessing whoever Biden picks for VP loses anyhow. Predictions aside and point being, voting isn't going to cut it. It doesn't matter who wins. I honestly think we need something more drastic to happen, or yeah, we're heading for full blown genocidal fascism. 

I'm not specifically talking about the riots. These protests are off the charts. I have no idea how serious it's going to get, how long it will go, or how bad the police response will be. Even if it does get crushed or naturally subside, the wave is just going to be even greater next time. I'm just not terribly optimistic about its chances of success, no matter how it goes. I love that people are fighting, but I'm honestly terrified for them. More so that they would just be the beginning.

Thinking about moving to Scandinavia or something. Not the most interesting selection of countries, but in such interesting times, I'm not sure more interesting is such a good idea. Canada isn't at all far enough. Latin America's way too warm with climate change bearing down on us. Africa even more so. Asia's just too unfamiliar. I don't even know if anywhere in Asia would be a good idea politically or in terms of climate, but it doesn't seem like the time to be taking any chances.

I am feeling more capable at life than I used to be. I still have a ways to go, but in a pinch, maybe I could pull it together. I don't think I could say that two years ago. For a while now, I've been feeling with growing urgency, the need to attain some independence. I've been understanding why with growing clarity. I'm afraid losing my social security will be the least of my worries.

I wish Trump were the problem, but no one in congress seems to care all that much. Not Democrats, not Republicans, dare I say not even Bernie. Not really. Sure, to varying degrees, they're mortified - like it's one isolated incident after another. Maybe they're not seeing it all, insulated inside their sociopolitical bubbles. They seem to be in denial about what's happening right in front of them. 

Me, I've been seeing way too much. I'm a fucking mess.

Our cops have always been like this. They were more militarized under our last Democratic president, but fundamentally, they've been like this since their inception. They keep growing, they're not going to change, and it's not about Trump. Our leaders are oblivious at best, as they do whatever the police unions want. The country doesn't have the will to do what needs to be done to stop our jackbooted thugs, even as they're massacring us. This doesn't get better if we ride it out, but I'm afraid we can't win.

It never occurred to me before today, that the issues I have with authority might have something do with actual Nazis, but it's suddenly feeling awfully relevant. Honestly, we should be thinking about running for the hills. Preferably colder higher ground.

passive observer

So, there's nationwide rioting now. In the middle of a pandemic, as the economy collapses. All going about as well as I'd expected, but guess I'm feeling shellshocked just the same. Always wondering about trajectories. Is this about to be crushed by the authorities and swept behind us, as we head into whatever catastrophe comes next? Or is this going to go on for a while, the way it has in France or Hong Kong. Our cops are being horrifically brutal.

I watch it all from the sidelines, much as I watch everything humanity does. There isn't much going on in Vermont, but if I had comrades heading over to New York or whatever, that might be different. If I were more motivated to actually do things, I'd have the means and maybe even the will to go get involved. I just sit here though, the way I always do.

Just taking it all in, rooting for the protesters. I admire their courage and energy. I'm mostly just trying to figure out what's going on, as the world just keeps getting crazier. I've spent a lot of my life bored and alone, but this is something else. My sense of time just keeps getting worse. I'm barely sleeping. Days feel like weeks. Not quite as depressed as I was, though.

Meanwhile, my gym is "reopening" tomorrow. With all sorts of restrictions for me to be anxious about. They say don't come in if you have any symptoms at all. Any sign of a cough or runny nose, and they don't want to take the risk. No contact between students or staff, unless they come from the same household. They recommend finding a designated partner to engage in any partner activities. BJJ is presumably still out of the question entirely. Can't learn that without lots of contact. Sparring, also out.

All rather problematic for me. On the one hand, maybe I should try to rise to the occasion and make the most of it. On the other.. I'm getting pretty good at working out on my own. If I'm still not training with people, it's just a lot of extra hassle and anxiety for nothing. I'll be asking what's the fucking point in no time, and I'm not sure what to tell myself.

This has also been expected. Now I may have to be choose not to go. If that makes me unhappy, it'll feel more like my own fault. Not sure what to do, which is when I'm most likely to do nothing.

problem solving

In rereading my old writing, I realize there's a progression to it. I know that what I don't write down, I largely forget. Not because I'm particularly forgetful. The human mind generally doesn't keep track of everything we think about every day, for the rest of our lives. Not just a matter of remembering, but keeping track of, and building on. Countless steps leading in what seems to be a vaguely upward direction. I don't know where I'm going, but shudder to think about what's behind me.

Writing helps me maintain particular conceptual formulations in working memory longer than possible naturally. I do it publicly because it makes the endeavor more substantial. When I write for myself, it's fragmented and half baked, filed away to be forgotten somewhere. Other people seem to be important.

My last post, for example. I wonder if it comes across as a problem I'm trying to solve, or a more self-affirming proud-of-who-I-am sort of thing, despite the negatives. Or, does the reader focus more heavily on the negatives, to see it as self-effacing?

Taking some of that into account, I wonder myself. I fixate on the issues of social connection, not because of some pathology, but because lacking social connectivity can be extremely toxic. I've done a lot of thrashing around in my life, trying like hell to figure out what to do about it.

I made a video today of some of my workout. Posted it to Facebook. It's something I feel proud of, but it's weird needing to record myself. Expressing this sort of vanity makes me uncomfortable, but eh, thought I'd give it a shot. My mom was the first person to like it. Thanks, mom.

Then my old Hwa Rang Do instructor liked it. We haven't had any interaction at all since I left Minneapolis two or three lifetimes ago. Suddenly my unusual choice to throw in my old ssang jeol bong (nunchuku) skills seemed an especially good idea. A homage to my time at his school, but I didn't expect him to actually see it. It made me happy to see that he appreciated it.

Trying to live in the world has not been going as well as I'd hoped it would, and that's been churning beneath all this pandemic angst. A reluctance to return to all of that.. but I'm reminded that I was on the right track, and why. Other people really do seem to be important.

dysexecutive hungry ghosting

I literally do nothing all day. It's difficult to explain why. There are lots of things I could be doing. I just don't care. I don't want to do any of it. So, I think about this a lot. What this dopaminergic collapse might mean, what to do about it. I'm bored, restless, miserable doing nothing, but I'd be bored, restless, and miserable doing anything else too, so. I just sit here. All day, every day.

Not quite. I don't want to do any of it.. by myself anymore. My efforts at being out in the world are all about hoping to meet someone. I care about all sorts of things. I'm interested in all sorts of things. None of it moves me. I'm not functionally motivated, without the hope that someday even just taking a walk might seem worth doing. Which it would be, with the right person to walk with. Maybe.

I have to be honest with myself. I don't know that this concept of being with someone isn't just a device I've learned to use, to be able to imagine being happy. The carrot at the end of the stick to get myself going. To keep myself going. Despite never being happy. 

I learned it pretty young. After leaving Syracuse, I was always looking for friends like I'd had back then. As a teenager, I transitioned into idealizing the concept as more of a romantic relationship. Only in recent years, thinking back over it all, have I realized I never had those friends in the first place.

I had friends, but it was really just me, exalting the friendship to such a degree. Best friends forever, soul mates, whatever we call it. It was one sided, but I was oblivious to that. I've realized it probably wasn't even healthy then, let alone the lifelong pursuit to regain it.

It is a coping mechanism though, not the problem itself. When you have a broken leg, a crutch can be important, but now that we're all socially distancing, I have no way of even pretending I might meet someone. Thus, I have no reason to do anything. Again. All the nothing I've done in my life has been when I've had no hope that doing anything would help (meet this person)

Except I liked the bjj, judo, muay thai. I seem to honestly enjoy that for whatever reason. I can speculate, but maybe another time. I don't know why. In any case, I can't do that, either. So aside from preparing my two meals a day and working out, I just sit here.

truth over facts

I've been reading about all these different countries, how they're managing covid19, how well it's working, etc. Then I saw an ad for pizza delivery. They say it's all safe, no contact, but it's food, it has to be prepared by people, transported by people. I'm sure they have precautions every step of the way, but people make mistakes. Check the reviews and yep, plenty of evidence for it, too.

Then, you don't get sick. Never even knew you were infected, but a brother's friend's mother inexplicably gets really sick weeks later. Good luck with the contact tracing.

Americans are being far less careful than they are in places like South Korea, Switzerland, and China. Even the most well intentioned among us often don't understand why these measures need to be airtight. No pun intended, right? Papa Johns is not an essential service. All sorts of things are still open that are not essential. America just can't give them up, and that's one reason our curve isn't flattening at all.

While we're talking about it as if it's on the decline - people are literally saying that new cases are on the decline - but the data is right here. It's not. Daily cases are very much still going up. We're succumbing to the pressures from all different sides, and lying to ourselves about it. I'm sure that'll work out great.

Ironically, partially opening up is the right thing to do, with one huge America-will-fuck-it-up caveat. It requires all sorts of serious precautions and public awareness and cooperation. Maybe that's three caveats, but we've got none of it. Everything from factory farms to restaurants to preschools just figuring it out on their own. It's great that they're trying, sure. Except it's not, because the lockdown is not a mitigation strategy. It's not just a way to keep infections to a minimum.

It's supposed to be a strategy for safely reopening everything. For that strategy to work, it's almost all or nothing. We can't ever reopen safely, if we can't get new cases down to zero, not just in regional pockets here and there, but much more broadly. We can never reopen safely with ignorant laughable precautions, like putting shower curtains in restaurants. Sure it might help, but if even a few people are getting infected, the entire thing is a failure. The virus remains uncontrolled and uncontained, making it impossible to do anything safely.

This is where the country is stuck. The lockdown strategy isn't working. It can't. America is just way too broken. This means the way we're going might be the only way we can go. People will resist, the economy and everything will suffer anyhow, many places will try to lockdown again, only to be unsuccessful again. 

In the meantime, we'll never be able to fully open. As the death toll keeps climbing, no one is going to be wanting much physical contact with strangers. I suspect lots of business will be having more serious problems, even if allowed to open. Even the lockdown protesters will start seeing the deaths, if not dying themselves, and I find it tough to believe that won't shake their convictions a bit.

On a somewhat more positive note, new studies have shown SARS-COV2 is actually much less deadly than we thought.. but also much more contagious. Turns out far more people have antibodies than they expected to find. Being a novel virus makes that 0.1% fatality rate much more severe than it sounds.

I guess we do have herd immunity against the flu. We have no immunity against this, which is why this good news isn't all that good. In ten years though, when civilization is a smoldering heap of rubble, it will probably be even less deadly than the flu is now. In the meantime, on an individual level, it means even the compromised have a much better chance of surviving an infection than we thought. You often don't even know you've had it.

Unless these serology studies turn out to be completely wrong. Who knows with any of this.