dysexecutive hungry ghosting

I literally do nothing all day. It's difficult to explain why. There are lots of things I could be doing. I just don't care. I don't want to do any of it. So, I think about this a lot. What this dopaminergic collapse might mean, what to do about it. I'm bored, restless, miserable doing nothing, but I'd be bored, restless, and miserable doing anything else too, so. I just sit here. All day, every day.

Not quite. I don't want to do any of it.. by myself anymore. My efforts at being out in the world are all about hoping to meet someone. I care about all sorts of things. I'm interested in all sorts of things. None of it moves me. I'm not functionally motivated, without the hope that someday even just taking a walk might seem worth doing. Which it would be, with the right person to walk with. Maybe.

I have to be honest with myself. I don't know that this concept of being with someone isn't just a device I've learned to use, to be able to imagine being happy. The carrot at the end of the stick to get myself going. To keep myself going. Despite never being happy. 

I learned it pretty young. After leaving Syracuse, I was always looking for friends like I'd had back then. As a teenager, I transitioned into idealizing the concept as more of a romantic relationship. Only in recent years, thinking back over it all, have I realized I never had those friends in the first place.

I had friends, but it was really just me, exalting the friendship to such a degree. Best friends forever, soul mates, whatever we call it. It was one sided, but I was oblivious to that. I've realized it probably wasn't even healthy then, let alone the lifelong pursuit to regain it.

It is a coping mechanism though, not the problem itself. When you have a broken leg, a crutch can be important, but now that we're all socially distancing, I have no way of even pretending I might meet someone. Thus, I have no reason to do anything. Again. All the nothing I've done in my life has been when I've had no hope that doing anything would help (meet this person)

Except I liked the bjj, judo, muay thai. I seem to honestly enjoy that for whatever reason. I can speculate, but maybe another time. I don't know why. In any case, I can't do that, either. So aside from preparing my two meals a day and working out, I just sit here.