problem solving

In rereading my old writing, I realize there's a progression to it. I know that what I don't write down, I largely forget. Not because I'm particularly forgetful. The human mind generally doesn't keep track of everything we think about every day, for the rest of our lives. Not just a matter of remembering, but keeping track of, and building on. Countless steps leading in what seems to be a vaguely upward direction. I don't know where I'm going, but shudder to think about what's behind me.

Writing helps me maintain particular conceptual formulations in working memory longer than possible naturally. I do it publicly because it makes the endeavor more substantial. When I write for myself, it's fragmented and half baked, filed away to be forgotten somewhere. Other people seem to be important.

My last post, for example. I wonder if it comes across as a problem I'm trying to solve, or a more self-affirming proud-of-who-I-am sort of thing, despite the negatives. Or, does the reader focus more heavily on the negatives, to see it as self-effacing?

Taking some of that into account, I wonder myself. I fixate on the issues of social connection, not because of some pathology, but because lacking social connectivity can be extremely toxic. I've done a lot of thrashing around in my life, trying like hell to figure out what to do about it.

I made a video today of some of my workout. Posted it to Facebook. It's something I feel proud of, but it's weird needing to record myself. Expressing this sort of vanity makes me uncomfortable, but eh, thought I'd give it a shot. My mom was the first person to like it. Thanks, mom.

Then my old Hwa Rang Do instructor liked it. We haven't had any interaction at all since I left Minneapolis two or three lifetimes ago. Suddenly my unusual choice to throw in my old ssang jeol bong (nunchuku) skills seemed an especially good idea. A homage to my time at his school, but I didn't expect him to actually see it. It made me happy to see that he appreciated it.

Trying to live in the world has not been going as well as I'd hoped it would, and that's been churning beneath all this pandemic angst. A reluctance to return to all of that.. but I'm reminded that I was on the right track, and why. Other people really do seem to be important.