i'm an excellent driver

I keep seeing these memes like.. I keep losing my car keys, it must be ADHD. I sleep late, I procrastinate, I'm a slob, what a relief to realize it's just ADHD! I saw one this morning lamenting how futile it was trying to explain that being rude to people wasn't actually rudeness, but autism. I suppose it could be indicative of autism if we think our explanations should negate the net consequences of our actions. 

Being rude isn't about you. It's about the effect your behavior has on others. It is indicative of autism to lack "theory of mind," centering everything around ourselves, failing to understand what others might be experiencing. This can be a subtle distinction, specific to autism, but also appearing at times like the indifference of narcissism, psychopathy, or common selfishness.

Whatever the pathology, there is a causality to it. A tangle of reasons we're like this, tying us down to notions of who we are. No matter how we explain it, there are real world consequences and reasons we might want to do better moving forward. Some people, whether autistic, narcissistic, or just stupid, lack the capacity to reflect objectively and critically on themselves, to decide how they might work on being a better person. If we can stop and look at our behavior and understand that it's problematic, we are way ahead of them already.

None of these labels should bind us. We are all the way we are because of reasons. It is nice to have explanations for our shortcomings, but we should never stop working to overcome them. That's just healthy. That's growth.

I saw a post earlier about how it's common for autistics to feel left behind, as we fail to meet one normative milestone after another. I didn't graduate high school, I didn't drive, I didn't get a job, go to college, get a career, start a family, etc.

There are all sorts of conditions which can prevent a person from achieving such milestones and living in society in often going to make us feel bad about it, whatever the label we attribute. It is an interesting defense to view said milestones as symbolic, concerning ourselves with what others think of us for not achieving them. The main problem with not having a girlfriend or a job is not what other people think. 

Each of these "milestones" is an achievement because of how much better they make our lives. There are dysfunctional relationships and lousy jobs, but those are just failures of a different kind. Being relatively successful in each of these spheres is life-changing in how rewarding it can be. The real reason for feeling bad about being "left behind" is not what others think, but the hard truth that we are missing out on substantial aspects of life that others take for granted.

When someone asks me what I do, the worst part is not what they're going to think if I tell them I've been sitting around doing nothing my whole life. The worst part is the fact that I've been sitting around doing nothing my whole life. I hate being reminded of it. I've missed out on damn near everything and looking back on it all is horrifying.

My financial situation has gradually improved such that I can finally afford a car for the first time. I did drive for a few months long ago, but I couldn't afford it. It makes me nervous, but I am a decent driver. If anything, just a little too careful. I'm acutely aware that cars are dangerous, no matter who's driving them. That said, not having one was always about the money, more than anything else. 

There are so many ways my life has been stunted by not having a car. So many things I'll be able to do, that I couldn't without one. So many things I never even thought about doing, because I've gone my whole life with this limitation. I don't even think about all the things that sure would be nice, if only I had a car.. but there are so many.

As I'm approaching this milestone so late in life, I am not thinking about how others will see me. I'm thinking of how much it will benefit the material conditions of my life, and how that will in turn facilitate my capacity for growth.

rain man

I think about a word like "autistic" and why I feel the way I do about others thinking I might be, and have to remember, it's just a word. A word that people have different ideas about. A word that means something different to lots of other people. 

It doesn't matter who's right about a definition - all definitions are arbitrary and fluid. They change over time, they change across cultures, they change between individuals, agreeing on the same dictionary definition, due to different correlations and context. The important thing is to understand what others are trying to communicate, when they use their words. We need to understand their version of their words.

When I think about the autistic kids I used to know, they were a lot like Dustin Hoffman in the movie Rain Man. They weren't savants, but similar in affect. These were not people who could mask their condition. These are rarely even people who would think to mask their condition. Nobody would diagnose them with ADHD, instead nor in addition to autism. That would be like diagnosing a blind person with astigmatism.

When people talk about autism these days, that's often not what they're talking about. Especially if they know terms like on the spectrum or neurodivergent. Most people are at least somewhat familiar with the Rain Man type, and this is where things get very fuzzy. Different people will factor in severe autism with spectrum autism to substantially different degrees such that they aren't necessarily talking about the same thing at all.

Is an autistic person competent to drive a car, hold a job, or fight in a boxing match? This depends on which version of autism you have in your head, and how much you factor that in, when considering someone you understand to be autistic. It's further complicated by the fact that most autistics develop their mental faculties late, such that by the time they're adults, they are capable of driving cars and holding jobs, even if not entirely independently. Generally, this type still does not mask their autism. They don't seem to have that sort of mindset or capacity.

If someone is doing any kind of masking such that they're passing themselves off as normal, that's somewhere else on the spectrum. It is a whole other way of thinking that is in itself more neurotypical. I'm trying to make this differentiation clear, to show how broad the meaning of this word can be, and the confusion that can cause. If someone thinks I might be on the spectrum, are they thinking of Rain Main or are they thinking of zoomers on Tik Tok? 

If the latter, yeah sure, maybe. 

If the former, what, no, are you stupid.

Take another word, a different sort of word, "woman," and again, people mean different things when they use it. They argue about who is and who isn't, but this depends entirely on how you define the word and what you're really talking about. 

This is the nature of words. People are prone to assuming they mean the same things, especially when a simple dictionary definition can be agreed upon, but get into the details and they're really talking about different things, talking past each other, failing to understand the array of divergent conclusions we come to from different starting points.

pedantics

Is it characteristic of being on the spectrum that I like my definitions unambiguous and immutable? I can seem pedantic on all sorts of subjects, hung up on how we define something. I suspect a lot of what people argue about comes down to how they define things. The language we use and our understanding of it is fundamental to how we think.

Among all these words I fear losing their meaning is autism. I grew up with autistic kids. There's an autistic adult here in Vermont that I train with at the gym sometimes. I have to be clear though, and it's difficult, because by "autistic" I mean a condition there is no longer a specific term for. The word has broadened in meaning such that there is no longer language to describe the people I'm referring to. Nor can I think of a good way to distinguish them from the chromatic spectrum of people who identify as autistic on social media, but there is a clear difference. It's not something that can be "masked" any more than Downs Syndrome or cerebral palsy. Rainman couldn't just fake being neurotypical.

I've been getting lots of "look at me I'm mentally ill" memes in my feed lately. So much, why am I like this, oh it must be autism, it must be ADHD. So much struggle to understand and define ourselves in a world of chronic disconnection from each other. Growing swaths of young people struggling to understand why they're not successful in a failing societal framework.

ADHD suffers from an inverse problem. One person listed off some of the more severe symptoms, commenting that it's absurd that this is named such that people think it's like a problem-sitting-still-disorder. Lots of people have attention span issues but conflating that with ADHD is like conflating common forgetfulness with Alzheimer's.

So, it took me forty years to realize how well this badly named condition actually fits. I wonder how many people with ADHD feel that same need for a more substantial diagnosis than problem-sitting-still-disorder. Increasingly, people with common attention span issues end up being diagnosed with ADHD, too. With such expanding definitions, it's no wonder diagnoses are surging. 

I also wonder if there should be a third term for these people somewhere between OG autistic and ADHD. I don't want to presume they're all ADHD. I think they may not even be on the same continuum, but three separate conditions with some overlap.

multipolarity

It occurs to me I may come off as conservative, with all my denunciation of liberals. I forget how ridiculous mainstream discourse can be, and being the mainstream and all, what a lot of people are going to think. The political compass has become so convoluted, but no, I'm not growing more conservative in my old age. I'm literally a communist, you idiot.

It's liberals that are confused, when they think that's got nothing to do with leftism, but what I think of gender ideology does. Talking to people about what distinguishes left from right yields a range of conflicting answers. Republicans think CNN is leftist extremism. Liberals think communists are extremists. 

Some will argue that 'tankies' like myself aren't left at all, buying all the propaganda conflating capitalism with democracy, and communism with authoritarianism. Did you know that the country with the highest percentage of people to believe their own country is democratic is China? The US is nowhere near the top of that list.

I've long thought the left to be about egalitarianism more than anything else. The right being more about conserving hierarchies. The left wants everyone to have some. The right wants haves and have nots, us and thems, especially when it comes to power and money, aka capital. This has broad implications on everything from foreign policy to policing. Liberals are capitalists, wanting better safety nets while preserving the hierarchies that make them necessary. Liberals are center-right.

This is just my opinion though. If you want to take away my leftist card because I don't think liberals are any better than conservatives, take it. If people can't agree on what being left means, it doesn't mean anything.

bring the pain

When I think back on my adolescence, when I stopped taking growth hormone, I often wonder why I hated shots so much. Why I never got used to them. When I learned to give them to myself, it made it worse. I couldn't go back to letting my mom do it, but I couldn't do that to myself either. I'd literally sit in bed for hours, just holding the syringe. 

A few times I did it eventually, but then I just gave up. I was very depressed. I was lonely. Being a little taller wasn't going to make any difference. Finally, no more godawful needles.

I've been giving myself injections every day for the last seven years or so. They're not awful. They sting sometimes, but jesus fucking christ, it's not that big of a deal. I don't understand why now I can look at the minor pain of getting a shot and shrug. It's annoying, but not something to cry about. I was almost forty, when I discovered that ability to do things that I didn't feel like doing. 

I don't understand how I was so bad at giving myself a shot, or anything else for so long. I still procrastinate a lot. When I'm depressed, I'm a failure of a stoic, but I always give my shots, and there's no hesitation. Just get it over with. Minor pain like that just seems trivial to me now, but I don't understand why. The instinct is there to take credit for it, but I'm skeptical that it has anything to do with me on a cognitive level.

I am still mortified by emotional pain. I avoid all sorts of risks, when I might get hurt emotionally. As I write about giving myself shots, I couldn't help but notice the correlation. I'm still a crybaby when it comes to emotional pain, missing out on valuable aspects of life, for fear of being hurt. Answering why feels all too easy. It hurts a lot. I'd be a fool to pretend I can just take it. I won't be fine. 

I wonder about the parallels there. It's not like I haven't experienced pain, and just need to get used to it. I was getting shots every day for years. As a kid, I never got used to it. Life has been all sorts of painful, and getting used to it? I'm not sure I'm entirely surviving it. 

Risk making it worse? Yeah, that seems like a bad idea. I am acutely aware that I lack the support structure, internal and external, to absorb much of the pain life can throw at me, but eventually it can all get so miserable, we might as well take a risk. How could hell be any worse. Of course it all goes wrong, and we get to find out.

going nowhere

For all the progress I've made, in some ways I feel worse than ever. I keep thinking my brain doesn't seem to be working right. I'm better at doing the things I should be doing, but having classical signs of depression, including some I haven't really had before. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I wake up early and can't fall back to sleep. My attention span has been especially bad, my memory unreliable, my thoughts slow and clumsy.

I am aimless and hopeless. Without alleviating depression, there is no point in doing anything. The dopamine just isn't there. I am aimless because I am hopeless. A vicious cycle forms, wherein the more negative I feel, the less likely anything good will happen to change it. What few opportunities I might have, I only blow. The more depression wrecks everything, the more being hopeless just makes sense.

I've spent my life thinking luck has to go my way eventually. Just let things go well for once, and it could break the cycle. Life just laughs and kicks me in the face some more. There is virtue in carrying on, even more if you take it with a smile. Until you're finally kicked to death, and all that perseverance amounts to nothing. 

I don't know what's wrong with my brain, but I look at how my life has gone and think, well, I kinda do.

puberty blockers

Sometimes I think about that time an endocrinologist asked me if I felt masculine. She thought I might not, given how I present and some of my test results. My testosterone levels were fine, but there was evidence I might be resistant to it. To be honest, in some ways, yes. In some ways, no, I don't feel very masculine.

I've always found it both comical and disturbing that people equate a lack of masculinity with femininity. No, women are not men minus some stuff. Development branches in different directions, accounting for the differences, although of course, everyone's genetics are different, and we go in all sorts of directions. In terms of sex, I just mean to explain what shouldn't need to be explained; that women are not underdeveloped men. They aren't missing any parts. They have their own parts.

Me, I'm missing some stuff. I feel less masculine because I am underdeveloped, but that's not to say feminine. 

I've somehow fallen into the rabbit hole of learning more about gender transitioning, and one thing that comes up a lot is children. Why not at least wait to make such a consequential decision until they're adults, right? It seemed beyond reasonable. Kids can't even get tattoos. 

It's because there is a strong push from the opposing side to transition kids before they start puberty. Their reasoning is that they're saving kids from gender dysphoria. Blocking puberty means less gendered traits to worry about; less gender dysphoria. The transition will be more profound, something many adult transitioners dream of.

In reading about it, learning about the effects of blocking puberty, it suddenly looked familiar. I never made it all the way through puberty myself, but I never framed it that way. I'm ashamed to admit that it's why I'm like this. Not masculine. Childlike. I still don't need to shave. This is why my frame is so small. It could account for a lot that's odd about me. 

Hormones are elaborately interconnected, which is one reason endocrinologists tend to err on the side of caution. You tweak one, you tweak the entire system. Growth hormone plays a role in triggering puberty. I've been stuck in the middle of it my entire life. Much the way growth hormone only causes growing until a certain age, you can't go through puberty later in life. There's a window, and it closes. Interrupting it in the middle though, that's something even trans clinics try to avoid.

The same hormones no longer do the same things, so supplementing them doesn't work. It still works in some ways, but I'll never fill out or grow a beard. I don't care about the beard, per se. I use it as an easy example, but there are all sorts of changes our bodies go through during puberty. Skin, muscle, fat and bone structure changes. The brain changes. A metamorphosis of sorts. 

I did get about halfway through, but stalled out when I stopped taking the growth hormone. We had no idea that would happen. Doctors never mentioned it. We should have asked, but I just stopped when I knew I was within half an inch of my projected height. Close enough, and no more shots, I thought. I hated those shots. 

I was only 15. My mother should have known better than to just stop treatment like that, without seeing my endocrinologist one last time, discussing it, proper closure. Somebody should have told me it wasn't just about my height.. but no, I just stopped.

Doh.