going nowhere

For all the progress I've made, in some ways I feel worse than ever. I keep thinking my brain doesn't seem to be working right. I'm better at doing the things I should be doing, but having classical signs of depression, including some I haven't really had before. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I wake up early and can't fall back to sleep. My attention span has been especially bad, my memory unreliable, my thoughts slow and clumsy.

I am aimless and hopeless. Without alleviating depression, there is no point in doing anything. The dopamine just isn't there. I am aimless because I am hopeless. A vicious cycle forms, wherein the more negative I feel, the less likely anything good will happen to change it. What few opportunities I might have, I only blow. The more depression wrecks everything, the more being hopeless just makes sense.

I've spent my life thinking luck has to go my way eventually. Just let things go well for once, and it could break the cycle. Life just laughs and kicks me in the face some more. There is virtue in carrying on, even more if you take it with a smile. Until you're finally kicked to death, and all that perseverance amounts to nothing. 

I don't know what's wrong with my brain, but I look at how my life has gone and think, well, I kinda do.