reading people

Asked recently by a mental health professional about my classes this semester, one question was about the age composition of my new classmates.  Are any of them older, like me?  Each class has about fifteen students, one or two being over thirty or forty years old, aside from myself.  Most recently, for example, sure.  There was this one guy, within ten years or so.  Older, younger, hard to tell exactly.  Especially hard to tell in my case.  Sometimes I consider dying my hair, just to see how much it throws people, but it feels dishonest.

Was this someone I could could see myself relating to, he asked, knowing I have issues relating to people.  First of all, the answer was no, on all different levels.  I was struck by how immediate and automatic my response was, but also wonder about the strangeness of the question.  I'm not sure what it's supposed to mean, in the context of being an adult.  As if we're supposed to outgrow wanting friendship and connection, but I'm not really the beer and football type.

Mostly though, I stumbled over trying to explain how I could discern complete lack of interest in a person I knew absolutely nothing about.  So, I've been looking at different people, thinking about all the information I draw from little more than a moments glance.  An easy example being friendliness, something I think most of us attempt to discern as quickly as possible - this is what a lot that whole smiling business is about.  I'm not great at smiling, nor is it especially important to me in others, but I understand friendliness and why people do it.

There are all sorts of things we gauge from how people express themselves.  It seems unfair, because I try to friendliness.  I'm bad at it, but I keep trying 😬

Mental health issues of all kinds can interfere.  Lots of things can interfere with all of this, but some people can look more aggressive or more compassionate, more interesting or rather less so.  Some can look substantially dumber than others, but I'm not sure how accurate any of this is.  I have no idea how dumb I look to other people.

There's definitely a rapid fire assessment of all these things going on, whether it makes much sense or not.  Everyone reminds me of someone as soon as I meet them, each their own personalized stereotype.  Rough estimates can be practical, but it strikes me as an interesting phenomenon, as I try to figure out what sets me apart, now that I'm surrounded by humans again.