withdrawn

I hate to admit this more broadly, but I've been having a much rougher time this semester.  It's no wonder there are a lack of people going into STEM fields.  It's so much more challenging.  I don't know that the material itself has to be, or if there are issues with the way that it's taught, but the difference has been huge.

With the issues I'd been having with physics on top of that.. yeah, just too much.  I dropped physics, to focus on math and chemistry.  Unclear if there will be some sort of penalty down the road, possibly not.  If I had a 3.8 GPA, that might put a serious dent in things, but for me, no.  It might not matter at all, as long as I don't make a habit of it.

It's a great load off my shoulders, but it's still been really disconcerting.  It's like there's a sort of memorization that my brain has become extraordinarily bad at.  My memory is fine, generally.  I can remember the forest just fine.  Individual trees, though?  Can't I just Google it?

I wonder if it has to do with being so reliant on technology to do a substantial amount of the heavy lifting, for so long.  I've been Googling since before it was even known as Altavista.  Given the way the brain finishes developing by 25 or so, trying to remember anything after that just seemed so inefficient, right?

Honestly though, I'm appalled at how difficult it's been for me to remember much of anything.  I'm learning, but nowhere near the pace I'd expected given the amount of time I put into it.  Nowhere near the pace I'd need to be, to actually do well. The classes I have done well, were mostly classes in which I didn't need to learn much of anything.

I remember when I was a kid, refusing to do homework, acting as if I were above it.. I don't remember if I actually could do the homework, or if maybe I was frustrated because I didn't even understand what I was supposed to be doing.  I wasn't really paying attention.

Maybe I was too distressed, too distracted, too withdrawn. It's hard to say what causes it, but I'm realizing that I've never even attempted this, in the most elementary sense.  I essentially refused to put any effort into the entire education thing, and as soon as that started to equate to bad grades, as school started to demand anything at all, I wasn't having it.  I don't remember considering any alternative.  Maybe I didn't see any alternative.

Looking back on it, as I try to finally push myself now, I realize that there's a distinct pattern to it all.  Whatever intelligence I may have, and have ever had.. It seems to have a massive gaping hole in it.  I'm barely starting to get the hang of things, just enough to realize, I'm actually really bad at this.

Guess I'll see how I do going part time.  One advantage of that being financial aid covers classes year round, instead of being forced to take summer off.

3/1/2019
  

Fucking hell.. After assurances by both my adviser and the financial aid office that the class would still be covered before I made my decision ..half my financial aid was immediately revoked, and the school is now billing me $1500.  Technically, they'd still pay for the class, but since I'm no longer enrolled in 12+ credits, I don't qualify as a full time student, per federal aid requirements.

6/15/2019

Months later, I get a call out of the blue, telling me I had an unpaid balance for next semester, but taking another class would net me better financial aid, and oh btw, they're refunding me the $1500.  Then asking for $500 back.  Ok, still +$1,000.  Great, for the moment I think?