It becomes so difficult to see the point in doing much of anything- not to be taken for an illogical conclusion, but an arbitrary feeling. Motivation is a process; chemical, neurological, psychological and sociological. A process that can go wrong for any number of cascading reasons. It occurs to me that a more accessible way of asking what's the point would be to ask, what's in it for me?
Need to start meditating again, running again. I need to study chemistry. but why though. It seems I lack confidence in any potential outcome making a substantial difference. Dopamine should spike at the mere possibility of things going well. I think something goes wrong with my process of motivation around there somewhere, but there could also be reasons that happens. Reasons I've adapted by mucking up my own dopamine system.
The problem might be that life is largely crappy and ultimately pointless. Human connection can provide some structure to that, but you people are all crazy.
6/19/2019 update
Crazy how I started doing those things I said I needed to do, and life started getting better. Cleaned my apartment and stuff, too.
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4 comments:
The world we live in is crazy. It would be insane to be sane. We are all doing the best we can, when and where we can. I'm sorry you don't enjoy more of life. Some of it is really fun, some really nice, some just fuckin' pretty, and some tastes really good. I worry that you get too caught up in yourself; who you are, what you feel, why you are who and how you are. The world is way bigger and more interesting than our individual selves. I have no solid advice. I just wish you were happy. There is no shame in happy. Love & miss you, Sue
I think my mind seems to be malfunctioning in some way, and I know, I tend to obsess over what to do about it. I wish society were more open to our differences. I wonder how much of it is just neurochemistry.
To a great degree, I just feel the world is passing me by. I've made this decision to finally change the way I live, spending my whole life in my apartment, hiding, but it turns out the world is in fact really stressful. I need to get better at handling it.
I love you too, Sue. For one thing, I'd really like to figure out how to be the sort of person who can go visit people more easily.
I wouldn't say 'mal' functioning. Perhaps differently functioning. No shame in sad or angry either. It's often the only thing that makes any sense at all. This is a really interesting article: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/depressions-evolutionary/?fbclid=IwAR1WumF4wZjaX1Ved0lRO4RZ9mEyB65h3a7gI6R2UCH6WsvpaY_E2kUaS08
Just do what works for you. Sidestep as much of the stressful stuff as possible. The rest of us will adjust or not. But it seems to me, that it would be a shame to not enjoy the many gifts of life. I would like it if you could visit as well.
"depression is nature’s way of telling you that you’ve got complex social problems that the mind is intent on solving."
"Several studies have found that expressive writing promotes quicker resolution of depression, and they suggest that this is because depressed people gain insight into their problems."
This sounds about right. Trying to solve this complex social problem is what my blog is all about. Depression varies, but this article does line up with my particular variant exceptionally well. I certainly ruminate a lot.
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