As I think back on the moments before making the decision, my memories of the details, I realize there's so much room for spin. I can explain the behaviour any number of ways. Some more likely to be true than others. I don't actually know what the real reason is. I was exhausted, it seemed like a good time to call it.. but I only needed to rest for a minute. It's as if that didn't occur to me.
My training partner seemed surprised when I left, as open mat had just started. I was nervous, I was tired, I had a plan but it ended with "stay for open mat" so that's as far as I got. I felt like getting out of there, and after two hours of yoga and bjj, my faculties were too diminished to resist. Or even think about it for a second? Baby steps, I guess.
Funny how it makes me feel worse in a way, to confront my fears, only to drop the ball every goddamn time when I do. Progress seems to require an awful lot of failure.
Thinking about braving something like this now. First Sunday of every summer month, people from schools all around meet to grapple in the park. Like that's not scary enough, I'd have to bike there and it's way the hell on the other side of Burlington. I can imagine myself giving it a shot, but geez, I don't know. It seems ambitious but I've been looking for something a little more social to try.
- update 6/23/2019 -
I actually went. Well, I tried. I biked all the way there, spent like an hour biking around the park, couldn't find anything but regular park stuff. Which was nice I guess, but I gave up and went home. So over ten miles, lots of pedaling uphill on my single gear mongoose. Only to realize I had the time wrong. I'd been an hour and a half early.
See what I mean? What the goddamn fuck.
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