winning

I've been thinking, there's no way I could keep doing this school thing, if it weren't for taking martial arts.  It's difficult to put my finger on exactly how it helps, but it provides a feeling of emotional substance.  Without it, I'd be running on empty, and don't think I'd get anywhere at all.

This place where I train recently added a yoga class on Fridays, so I've been going to that too.  Probably a good idea, may even reduce my risk of injury.  Then afterwards, a muay thai class, and brazilian jiu jitsu across the room.  Lately I've been focusing more on BJJ, determined to get to the point where I might even be considered at least kinda good at it.

What really seems to draw me into it more than other arts is how I feel tested, almost every class.  It's known as "the gentle art" because of the way we can try what we learn on each other, we can see how well it works, how brutal it could be - without anyone getting hurt.  When I'm in an effective submission hold and have to tap out, it's because I've been indisputably beaten.  I'm grateful to be in a situation where tapping out is an option.  You can't test muay thai the same way, without people getting hurt.

So as I've blogged before, I tap out a lot.  Few times every class.  I'm drawn to a test that I've been repeatedly failing.  There are all sorts of reasons, but one of them could simply be that almost everyone there is relatively good, most of them having trained longer then me.  Never mind how they're all bigger, stronger, younger and they have pituitary glands.  I don't mind all the losing so much, because I'm grateful to be physically capable of doing this at all.

Still, felt good to win a few.  New student tonight, previous experience included "one semester" of BJJ, few inches taller than me.  He asked if I wanted to roll, after class.  Uh oh, I thought.  I just love being beaten by someone new, but of course, let me grab my mouth guard.. and I won.  Repeatedly.

I saw openings, omoplata, armbar, triangle, and went for them.  Somehow actually getting them right, except for the omoplata.  That's a tough one.  I almost got it, but had to transition into another armbar.  Sometimes it feels like maybe I'm finally making progress.  I'm skeptical, but come to think of it, I did pretty well the other day, too.

It's odd how despite all this, I still have to push my self so hard to go.  I almost always feel good afterwards, so you'd think I'd look forward to it, instead of desperately fending off excuses for why I should take the day off, every damn class.  When I fail that test, it makes my whole weekend depressing.