departure

Trying to get my father to drink has not gone well. Given that he barely eats, dehydration is pretty serious. This is my explanation for why he's taken a sharp turn for the worse this past week. They're just giving him morphine now. Took him off of the oxycodone entirely. I'm afraid that simply signing onto hospice has meant agreeing to indiscriminately hastening his decline. 

The decision seems very routine, made entirely by his nurse, that he should now be bedridden and delirious for the rest of his life. His abdominal pain was getting worse, as were dizzy spells, and severe constipaion and irritability. But I can't get him to drink anything, and hospice just treats the symptoms. He signs away his right to agemcy if he's too delirious to make his own decisions. He is the one refusing to drink anything, but the delirium itself is from all the morphine.

I don't know what we're supposed to do. The nurse is acting as if he has weeks to live. I'm still scheduled to go home tomorrow. I'm thinking I'll try to come back in a few weeks, but now I'm not even sure he has that. On the other hand, maybe he has months. If nothing else, I desparetley need a break; I need my own apartment to get myself back together in for a while. I'll try to come back, if he has enough time for it. My sister may need the help more desperately than ever. Hospice people come and go occassionally, but she's mostly on her own, and my father can't be left home alone.

Not sure I'll even get to say good bye tomorrow. I'll try, but he might not remember. He'll just be upset later.