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I don't like that I'm so negative, but this judgment of myself is an odd one, as I clearly gravitate towards angry negative social media personalities and public figures, lately. I hate when others are optimistic about the way things are going. Why the hell would I want to be that way too? 

I find it deeply disturbing how oblivious everyone is. The effectiveness of partisan propaganda and sensationalist bullshit is the number one reason I have no hope. This country has been completely overtaken by actual rightwing psychopaths who thwarted elections, yelling "but Trump," and everyone falls for it. I hate Democrats, I hate politics, I hate everything. Instead of the kind gentle soul I'd hoped I'd be, it turns out that I'm bitter, angry, and hateful.

Humans are stupid. They always have been and always will be. Turns out, nothing is ever going to get better, and in fact, is rapidly getting worse. If I ever meet someone who can face that reality while remaining positive, they will have my deep admiration, but that's not the same as optimism. To be optimistic in light of human history and current events is just grotesque.

So, I've been pretty depressed about all that. The world has grown very dark, very fast. That's not even getting into the pandemic ripping us apart amidst it all. That it destroyed my life and coping mechanisms hasn't helped. That it fucked up my father's treatment and made it impossible for me to visit him while he battled cancer did not help, either.

It seems there is no getting over that. I have to learn to not think about him. Every time I do, it's as traumatic as ever. That seems to be the way people generally get over things. They stop thinking, they let themselves forget. Focus on the present, don't dwell in the past, don't think about it, don't learn from it, just stay positive no matter how fucked up everything is.