challenged

Had some interesting conversations on the way home from the fights on Saturday. The one woman in the car was expressing frustration with men going easy on her, when I realized that what she seemed to be saying, aside from feeling disrespected, is that she wants to be challenged. We're there in large part to become stronger, by overcoming challenges. Going easy on someone robs them of that. Being about 60kg in an MMA gym, I know that feeling myself.

Myself and another guy in the car pointed out that we often go easy on people we don't know yet, because we need to get a sense of where our training partners are at, to know how hard we should be pushing. It can be difficult, even with people I do know. Some people can handle more than others, and some want to handle more than others. Some of us are there to be challenged, punched in the face, and kicked in the shins more than others.

It's a large part of my own motivation. I rolled with five or six different people after class yesterday, got in a few rounds of kickboxing, then some takedown practice. I had little problem taking down everyone. That is, I'm good at taking the fight to the ground, at which point I still lose quite a bit. For less of a challenge, I could let them get up, kick them in the head, and then throw them on the ground again. 

Probably helps that I'm not anemic anymore. I've been training harder than I ever have, because it's gotten easier than it's ever been.  That said, I was more sore afterwards than I've been in a long time. The recovery from being challenged can be just as important. Fortunately, it's mostly just healthy muscle stress. No injuries or serious joint problems.

The desire to be challenged in training combat sports can be more specific than challenge itself. Lots of things are challenging. Working out at home, rock climbing, calculus, whatever. It's competitive in a very primal sort of way, to be challenged by someone else. More than just doing something difficult, there's a dopaminergic social component to challenging interaction.

It helps a whole lot if it's something we enjoy and the interactive part helps with that, too. Other people can make it more stressful and daunting, but also more rewarding. It's also nice to be challenged in arenas we have enough chance of success in. I've come to realize that I'm even developing a reputation at the gym. The other day, someone I've never seen before tells me that he's watched me drill spinning back kicks. He said that I looked like the one to ask how it's done.

He's right. It's an MMA gym, and I'm the only one there who throws lots of kicks like that. I landed a spinning wheel kick to an opponent's head sparring yesterday. Gently of course. A flashier move, but the spinning back kick is more practical. It's a move I've seen end numerous fights. I taught the basics of it as well as I could, but I need some practice with the teaching bit, too. 

As for the Battle in Barre (pronounced "berry" because Vermonters insist on pronouncing it obviously wrong) the two fighters from my gym did well. It was their first striking competition, and they both managed to lose by split decision. Close fights, that with some minor adjustments, I think they both could have handily won. One of them should have won, in my opinion, but she gets a bloody nose easily during these cold dry months, and judges tend to count visible damage like that against people.

I wasn't sure how it would feel to see the violence in person, but it wasn't an issue. None of the fights were all that rough. I wasn't crazy about it though. Like watching live music, I don't really get it. Sound quality and visibility are worse, it's noisy, chaotic, and distracting. I'd rather enjoy such things at home, but I did enjoy the ride to and from the event. It was nice hanging out with people, there was a sense of camaraderie that I haven't felt in a very long time. 

I found myself able to converse, share my ideas and take interest in theirs. I felt like I was even being likeable, finding points of affinity with each of them. It was a nice experience. As they dropped me off, I said that I hoped to see them all at the gym the next morning. And I did. Even the one who was hungover. 

It's been a good week, but I can't help but think this is probably a fleeting moment in time, before life goes back to being a nightmare again. I'm torn about ending my blog now. I generally adhere pretty well to what I say I'm going to do, but it really seems like the sertraline did a number on me. 

It's so strange that antidepressants do this to people sometimes. Pharmaceutical companies sweep it under the carpet pretty easily, because it's difficult to quantify psychological states. They have an absurd amount of latitude to downplay negative consequences while over-selling success rates. 

They even spin the well documented increase to suicide risk as the medication working too darn well. "People suddenly feel more motivated and" blah blah blah. It's speculative nonsense. The reality of it is that these drugs just fuck you up sometimes. My experience isn't even that unusual, but you'd never know it, from the doctors who prescribe this stuff. They'll act like it's unheard of, and I'm clearly just being weird.

Maybe I am still blogging, in any case. I'm not sure yet.