saṃsāra

For the longest time, I held this ideal, represented by this image. Life is suffering. The only escape from that is to accept it, to find peace with it.

In recent years, I've got it in my head that maybe I don't want my life to be suffering. I don't want to accept it. I want to change it, but it can be frustrating as hell trying to figure out what can be changed. I've tried to write about this a lot, but this latest turn of events poses a great illustration.

I'm feeling a lot better, and that seems to be holding steady so far. Had another good night at the gym. Made it through two hours of classes feeling ready for more. I'm concerned that I might be experiencing some kind of fleeting manic state due to stopping the sertraline, but I don't think that would be enough to account for my dramatically improved endurance. It does seem that I must have the physical capacity for it.

Most likely, it's a combination of the medication issue, addressing my anemia, and the efforts I've been making to get back into shape at home. I've been doing everything I can think of to remedy the situation, which is a lot less likely to happen when you're at peace and ok with it. On the other hand though, this is all precarious circumstance. My well-being has become way too dependent on my physical fitness, something that is inherently temporary and can be suddenly taken away again for all sorts of reasons.

My mood is better because I've been kicking ass lately. Isn't that what I've been aiming for? I know this causes a number of neurochemical boosts. This feels like Buddhist sacrilege, but we're not talking about craving achievements, material gains, or anything else in which it's never really enough. Rather, there are some conditions necessary for healthy brain function. 

We don't need more and more food, we only need enough to be healthy. Similarly, it is the process of self improvement, or social interaction, or getting enough time to play, that is conducive to good mental health. Craving more and more of these things indicates a deficit, probably in some other area. We don't need more and more, but we do need enough. Otherwise, life is more suffering than it needs to be. 

Under other circumstances, these circumstances might be less critical. Clearly I have some deficits I'm compensating for, but I've become very skeptical of the notion that anyone transcends this stuff. It's just life. Better to make sense of the mechanics of it, than pretend we can be better than that.