neural reconfiguration

Giving up caffeine has gone well, aside from the dire consequences it's had on my impulse to write and even socialize.  Least, I think that's what's going on.  After months of experimenting with different quantities, I think I've settled on a dosage that will be ideal.  That is, the most benefit, while keeping tolerance to a minimum and avoiding addiction.

Coffee is too strong (as someone whose been drinking strong black coffee for decades, yes, this sounds ridiculous to say out loud) and needs to be spaced out more, but having it twice a week is too sporadic to be of any reliable benefit.  So, a single cup of tea, every other day.  Once in a while maybe I'll order coffee when I'm eating out for breakfast and the like, but that's just a few times a year.

Wait, I'm not sure tea does anything at all.  Bleh.  Ok, maybe two cups.  Or maybe I just need better tea.  This stuff's been in the back of the cupboard for quite a while.

I'm not sure caffeine deficiency is all that's going on, though.  I seem to have lost interest in people.  Socializing.  Telling anyone how I think or feel about anything.  I just want to do what I want to do, these various endeavors that I've been focusing on.  A social support system would theoretically be helpful, and yet, I only turn to those who offer help as a last resort.  Next thing you know, they're going to want to have a conversation or something.  I've been working on growing more comfortable with people talking at me and how I should respond, but do I enjoy it?  Not exactly.

So, I've thought a lot about the concept of self-sufficiency these past few months.  Not for what it means to anyone else, but for why it's so important to me.  I've been slowly drowning for a long time now, knowing that the way things had been going was not going to end well.  While this might sound hyperbolic, I've been fighting for my life here, realizing that I'm going to sink once and for all very soon, unless I learn to save myself.

So, that's what I'm doing, and I've had to give up the notion that it will ever involve getting along with anyone else.  I need to learn to tolerate people, not get along well with them.  That should be a more realistic goal.  At least in the short term.  Who knows what direction that could eventually end up becoming, as small persisting changes have a way of snowballing, in sometimes unpredictable directions.

When I started jogging regularly, I had to go first thing in the morning, before most other people were even awake.  I had to get used to running, get used to being seen running, but I also had to get used to being active.  I'd do one thing a day, and feel completely spent.  If I went for a run, that was it, and I'd spend the rest of the day recovering.  That seems absurd to me.  It's hard to even imagine being that pathetic, now.

Change requires persistence and regularity.  I had to run consistently for a long time to get to the point where it was just a thing I did, that neither exhausted me physically nor filled me with anxiety.  It was one of the first steps I took though, leading me to where I am now.  Before that, I started even smaller.  Writing something was an achievement.  Write anything, anywhere.  As myself, not behind the anonymity of a forum handle.  Every day.  Get used to people seeing who I am, responding to that, for better or worse.

We often understand the importance of pushing ourselves.  Getting out of our respective comfort zones, doing things that are difficult.  For many, socializing is not difficult, so it's not practice.  We each need to find our own challenges.  I think what's often missed though, is the value of these challenges being consistent and regular.  Not something you do when you get the chance, but a lifestyle change.  Things we do as part of our every day routines, until they're no longer psychologically challenging.

A common error in approaching self-improvement is to think doing something once will matter.  As if the discovery that we can do something will itself be transformative.  An agoraphobe going to a social event, or a couch potato training for a marathon - better to aim lower, in a sense.  Aim for the indefinitely long term every day lifestyle change, not a singular achievement.  Neural connections are not reconfigured so quickly.