reiterations

I've been slipping lately, but I've expected that I would somewhat, that it's ok, I've committed myself here, so I can afford to backslide a bit, without all being lost.  Just not too much.  I'm trying to remind myself here, of why I've been doing these different things, pushing myself in different ways.  There's this odd correlation between doing good things, and believing that I'm a good person.  Knowing that I can do something when I get around to it doesn't seem to help my self-esteem at all.

The big question though is whether or not this cognitive shift yields a change in behavior.  Will I get some exercise or allow myself to be driven to distraction, until it's time for bed.  That is the question as to how chemical this all is, how much it matters what I think at all.  Maybe it's all just chemistry that the ego rationalizes.  I have to operate under the assumption that what I think matters, I guess.  If I'm wrong, no harm done.  The inverse isn't really true at all.

If I spend the day smoking pot and playing video games, I can make excuses and in the end, no, it doesn't matter, but I'm going to know I'm not going to impress anyone like that, least of all myself.   Within this cognitive process of caring what other people think, I've realized there's a component to it, of caring what I think.  I know I'm not a terrible person or anything, but I'm not particularly impressed, either.

I don't expect to be, but it seems to help to at least strive for it.  Particularly, in the absence of actually giving a damn about anything all that much.  I'm still here, and I still have to live with myself.  Odd how this slippage comes with prosocial-media behavior and blogging.  Maybe it's just that when I'm feeling scattered and aimless that I start wanting to babble about something.