vsо еttа mеi

Humanity is fascinating.  Learning another language is like getting a glimpse into a whole other facet of this, seeing it from a new angle.  American pride disgusts me.  Russian pride seems poetic and quaint.  If I were Russian born, I suspect the opposite might be more true.

I wonder, would this mean that I'd relate better to a Russian that hates Russia, than I would to an American that loves America?  Well, yeah.  Of course.  All that I take interest in or disdain, circumstantial and relative, through the lens of the situation I'm in.  My nature, my disposition, how I react to the world more generally, this seems more fundamental.  To my delusional concept of self.  Neurological connections, hormones.  I don't know what matters anymore.  Just keep bringing the mind back to the breath.

I mention coffee a lot, not for lack of willpower or resolve, but because I know it has the potential to help, in a limited way.  Limited in part, by the harm it also does.  Also limited in the diminishing returns of its potential.  Now that I'm going without and free of addiction, this means that at any given time.. it would sure help.

That is the irony of drugs and addiction.  It's when beaten, free of tolerance, that the benefit becomes clearest of all.  As can the harms, but the harm of living with depression and no stimulants at all can be problematic.  The trade-off here is complicated and difficult to calculate.  I'm certainly better off without the addiction, but no coffee at all?  I mean, come on.  I need something.

I'm trying everything I can think of, sticking with whatever helps.  Exercise, meditation, medication, eating habits and diet, supplements, abstaining from whatever might be undermining me.. but I'm not going to pretend the results have been miraculous.  It's been gradual, to the point of not being sure what, if anything, is changing at all.

This can be discouraging, but the facts on the ground are not what they were.  Memory can be deceptive.  Maybe this is why I try to keep such an eloquent record. I find it fascinating that I'm really just another human, behaving in this perplexing way.  There must be some rhyme or reason to it, right?