corticotropin

Anxiety for love of life, anxiety for pain
 Anxiety, a feeling that you know you can't contain
Anxiety destroys us but it drives the common man
 Foundation of society
  Anxiety
   Suppress it if you can.

~Bad Religion, "Anxiety," ©1989

Woke up this morning all stressed out, so much to do today and I was so tired.  Eventually got it together and replaced my broken bicycle chain.  Never had a bike chain just snap while I was riding before.  Come to think of it, this is the longest I've ever ridden the same bike, and I've never payed attention to what sort of condition the chain was in.

So, never had to replace one, either.  Nervous about what it would entail.  Maybe I should just buy a whole new bike?  Thought about taking to a repair shop, but decided to look into what it takes to fix myself.  Looked like it might be straight-forward enough to be worth a shot, and if I'm wrong, I'll take it somewhere.  Ended up taking all morning to figure out, in part due to lacking basic tools.  I had the special chain tool, but couldn't find my pliers anywhere.  Had to improvise, but I seem to have succeeded.

Now for all that other stuff I had to do.  I, uh, what was it again?  Some forms I had to fill out to mail tomorrow.  A cauliflower I'd planned on doing something with.  I didn't really have that much to do.    I do this to myself all the time.  I see one big thing I need to do, some other stuff looming in the periphery, and I'm clearly doomed.

Reminds me, got a very serious looking official letter yesterday, from CCV.  Probably to tell me that I failed all my classes and I owe them thousands of dollars.  Finally opened it this morning (another big thing I had to do, right?) and it's just this dumb letter of congratulations for being 15 credits in,  towards my associates degree.  As of last semester, I thought I was 23 credits in, and that I should be getting another 7 any day now.  All things being relative though, eh, whatever.

Wish my brain would stop doing this to me, all this pointless anxiety is kind of exhausting.

To be more precise, the part of my brain responsible could be hormones.  The pituitary produces corticotropin, which stimulates the release of cortisol.  Cortisol normally spikes early in the day, when we need to wake up and get moving.  I've always had a hell of a time switching gears.  The cortisol is there, but it takes a while.

Cortisol is also a response to anxiety.  Without cortisol, coping is much more of a challenge, both in terms of mental health, and in simply getting up and doing something.  More subtle than adrenaline, it helps kick us into gear to deal with the source of the anxiety.  Like panic is to adrenaline.  When the system is working properly, panic and anxiety are important and healthy responses to life's stressors, but it's all this elaborate chemistry in our heads.  Which part we identify with as our true selves is actually nonsense.  None of it, any more or less than anything else in our lives.

Maybe I is more of a reference point, for our awareness, our experience.  I doesn't need to be anything itself, to be a useful term.  The way you might describe the window of a room looking out onto the street, even if that room is empty.  Even if there is no room.  Even if there is no window.