lost trains of thought

At times, I've tried try to explain how aimless I feel.  I'm not sure there's a point to anything I'm doing.  I'm not talking existential angst, but literally, am I accomplishing anything, is going to school going to lead to a more functional life?  That sort of stuff.  Or am I just wandering in circles more vigorously than usual?

Or rather, I start saying something like that, forget what I was saying, go off on some tangent, or maybe just stare at the floor for a while.  My thoughts feel aimless too.  Much the way I have trouble sorting out where my life is going, I can't even sort out where my mind is going half the time.

It feels more accurate to say that I'm not a linear thinker.  I'm slow processing because I try to take every step from every direction.  I lose track of which way is forward.  What the hell do I even want? It's a matter of perspective.  I lose the continuity, my point, where I was going or where I started.  As I scramble to pull it together, my mind seizes up.  It doesn't work well under pressure.  Probably that damn corticotropin again #hypopituitarism

Writing helps on both levels, allowing me to organize my history such that I can look it up.   It also helps me organize my own thoughts, so that I can eventually get to a point.  I periodically have to remind myself of why I do this, too.  Making it public helps keep me honest with myself.