flying guillotine leg catch counter

Got to try an interesting move today, sparring the biggest guy in the gym. We were doing MMA rules and he caught one of my kicks. I put my weight into that leg, and before he could sweep me, I was climbing all the way up into guillotining him. I hesitated to commit to it, and he panicked and threw me to the mat. He apologized for being rough. It's a good thing I'm good at falling. Breakfalls, we call it in Judo, even from six feet in the air. He seemed pretty shocked that I almost choked him out.

I also sparred with the smallest woman in the gym. That was fun, too. She punched me in the face more than the big guy did. To be fair, he did catch me with a few elbows that might have killed me had he been throwing them for real.

I find myself loosening up. When people hit me hard, I hit them back hard. I don't need to be so controlled, and when I relax, I'm even faster. My ribs have been bothering me from BJJ, and after getting hit in that increasingly sore spot for the third or fourth time, I decided I should stop. Before I end up needing to take a month off. I'm afraid I may have already pushed it.

Started playing this game that caught my eye. I want to be clear, that it's a dumb little game, to signal that it's beneath me. That's my impulse, and on the one hand it's a silly impulse on all sorts of levels. On the other, I have been reminded of why I'm inclined to abstain from everything like this. I don't want to enjoy just sitting here at my computer, because it helps get me out and living, that I don't do the escapism anymore. 

There's this ideal of moderation and self-regulation, but that fails to take into account that we can still be thinking about how much we'd rather be doing something, no matter how well we commit to not doing it. I don't want some game stuck in my head, when I'm trying to get myself to the gym. Training is so beneficial to me, but so fragile.

Life is weird. Seems almost idyllic that I get to do this, without needing to work, but I've only been able to do this because I do little else. I have hot sauce to make, plants to repot, laundry to do. That stretches me past my limits as it is.