knock on wood

I'm feeling like I've finally turned a corner, of sorts. I haven't had to force myself out the door much lately. Going to the gym in particular. I find myself looking forward to it, and dreading the days when there aren't classes. I dread sitting home alone with nothing to do all day. On some level, I may have orchestrated this, gradually excising my interest in everything I do to distract myself around the house. 

I used to pride myself on how well I could keep myself entertained. I'd be fine on the deserted island, I thought. I was so unhappy though. Turns out, annoying clichés about self-isolating are actually founded in a loose understanding of how the human brain works. This isn't about shoulds or oughts or passing any kind of judgment. We simply have all this biochemistry for interacting with other people, and things seem to go wrong when it goes unused.

Lots of hormones have multiple purposes. Growth hormone is involved in everything from muscles to skin to heart, lungs, and metabolism. Oxytocin is involved in childbirth but it's also the trust hormone. Cortisol regulates diurnal cycles and anxiety levels, boosts energy levels, and it's used in creating memories. Too much cortisol causes osteoporosis.  How we live can impact us in indirect ways, due to these sorts of biological connections. Solitary people are more prone to everything from heart disease to cancer.

A few months ago, I was doing laundry in the bath tub, wondering how I'd ever deal with going to the laundromat regularly ever again. I felt so broken, it just seemed like too much. Leaving the house and everything. Carrying stuff. Dealing with people. Sometimes they'd even try to talk to me😩

Class was pretty horrible tonight. A conditioning class, and for reasons I did not get through it so easily. This was my first conditioning class after my medical break. Over 90 and humid again, no AC, just one big fan way on the other side of the room.  The nature of the exercises are such that we have a lot of control over how hard we work. Shadow boxing or hitting the heavy bag, for example. Some people hit harder and faster and move around a lot more dynamically. Some people throw kicks, which are much more tiring than punches. Maybe I'm pacing myself badly, trying too hard.

The partner drill we did just wrecked me, but my partner seemed ok, so I felt compelled to try to match his pace. Turns out someone actually did notice I was gone. As I struggled to get through it, he commented that taking a month off was probably bad for my cardio. I was too exhausted to explain that I had cancer.

I'm looking forward to open gym again on Sunday. Looking forward to being back there soon. As positively as I've spoken about it, I've been forcing myself to keep going this whole time. Part of me hates it, but that part seems to be fading, for a change. Finally, at least for now. 

It helps that I've been feeling better about my health. My doctor tells me the laundry list of issues I got from the CT scan is actually normal. That most people have more than twice as many minor issues that the scan picks up, but the number of "unremarkables" next to various organs on my scan report was actually remarkable for my age. 

The low white blood cell count should be resolved by taking more iron. More zinc seems to be helping too. Plus the cancer is still gone. Which should also mean that I'll be able to catch it plenty early enough again, if it comes back.