new plan

At first the idea struck me as awfully random and ill-suited to my problem. A huge part of that being that I don't want to leave Winooski. It takes me years to acclimate to a place, to develop routines, and maybe even form connections. It's also the first place I've lived that didn't make me want to live somewhere else. I like it here, for the first time in my life.

I figured if I'm going to leave, I might as well go live die in Florida with my mom. If moving somewhere else is an option, I could find lots of places more affordable. I could move back to Pittsfield or out into middle-of-nowhere Vermont. It's beautiful there, but that would be a huge disruption to my life. There are no MMA gyms in the middle of nowhere. Rent is affordable in places that lack everything else.

It's also a strange option, because I can already afford to rent a room. In theory, I could rent a room here, well within my budget. I'd live in the extra bedroom of a stranger's house. In reality though, I'd have to go look at places, hoping the stranger I'd be living with thinks I'm a good fit. It's a weird situation, and you never know what you'll be dealing with. That alone is a step that gives me too much anxiety to take.

It helps a lot when the interaction begins with understanding that I'm in a tough situation and wanting to help. Understanding that I have mental health issues, and being ok with that. I struggle with any interactions in which the response might be sorry, no, you're not good enough. We all do, sure, but I've avoided that entirely my whole life. The more I've fallen apart, the less likely I am to start overcoming that anytime soon. Once I've got my foot in the door, I do a lot better.

It also helps that this particular room is in Philadelphia. A much more interesting place than Pittsfield. I'll be able to find a gym there, not to mention lots of other stuff bigger cities have that Burlington does not. I can think of it as a nice diversion, an adventure, and the person offering to rent the room to me seems like a nice person, someone who is also a vegan, and more open to sharing food than other room rental situations are likely to be. A stranger, but one who seems like someone I'll get along with. I have family nearby, it will be great to finally be able to visit. 

This plan gives me a lot to look forward to, and all of it helps. Most importantly, it's a plan, without much that can go wrong. It feels reliable and achievable. There isn't much to feel anxiety about, except moving itself. Which is itself no small amount of anxiety.

I have a place to go, but I'll have to leave most of my stuff behind again. It would all be cheaper to replace than to store. Big items like my heavy bag and stand, I'll never be able to set up again. I have to sort out what I can take. There's an annoying gap of a few days between when I can travel and when I'm being evicted. I may have to rent a hotel room for a week. Lots of hassle and relatively daunting crap to deal with, but it's all doable.

Then in a few months give or take, I should be able to come back to Winooski, to settle into my Subsidized Housing Complex for the Elderly and Disabled. It sounds like a rather depressing end goal, but if I can afford a car, I won't be spending so much time there. I'll finally be able to go out and see the parts of Vermont that I moved here for.