what are the chances

My mental health has really nose dived these last few months. To some extent, to be expected, as the stress of moving looms closer, but I was also a lot more optimistic about how this could go. It all seemed pretty straight-forward and achievable. This is from an unfinished blog post that never got posted. I wrote it back in May.

This is the first time I'll be moving on to a new chapter, without leaving the place I'm in. I like it here. I no longer long to live somewhere more urban. New York and San Francisco aren't what they used to be. Burlington may hardly be a city in comparison, but it has almost anything I'd want. The food is good when I have anyone to eat it with. I don't feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere, but the middle of nowhere is always just a short drive away.

It's beautiful here, but like everywhere else, my lack of transportation poses a problem. I can get into Burlington easily enough and most of what I need is within reach, including the gym. What I can't do is get out into the countryside, where most of the beauty is. I can't go hiking or camping or any of that, not easily enough to ever do it. Grocery shopping is a pain in the ass. I've been afraid to move too far from my gym. Etc, etc.

As I have to move though, I've realized that I qualify for subsidized housing. There's a long waiting list, but I can pitch a tent in my Aunt's yard or something while I wait. They're out in Colchester, which made me panic at first. I'd be stranded.. except no, I'd finally be able to afford a car for the first time in my life.

I can be a good driver, albeit on the careful side. Cars do scare me. Accidents happen, and when they happen in cars it can be pretty bad. In the past, I never wanted to go anywhere, so it didn't matter so much. Back then, a car would get used a few times a month. My life is a lot different now. Not having a car is an impediment in lots of ways. There are all sorts of things I never even think about doing, that I'd suddenly be able to do.

It feels like my life could be about to change quite a bit. I feel a strange optimism about it, even if the chapter begins with me living in a tent for a few months. The path looks clear for life to go relatively well, but it could also go all wrong in any number of not terribly unlikely ways. What are the chances everything just keeps going wrong though😬

For one thing, I didn't expect my family here to say no to everything. Can't have a car because parking would be a hassle. Can't drive anyhow, because my first time behind the wheel in over twenty years did not go that well. Can't store my stuff there, because they've got orders of magnitude more junk of their own. Can't have a tent, because what would the neighbors think. They might think something crazy like, why the hell aren't you letting him sleep in the house?

When every little problem is treated as insurmountable, it only makes sense to conclude that they don't care and they don't want me living there. It's all motivated reasoning. They have all sorts of reasons, but I'm about to be homeless and just needed to wait for that subsidized housing. This should not have been hard.

Turns out, my new chapter starts with leaving again, after all. This time for Philadelphia. If everything goes as planned, I'll be back in Vermont in a few months, but what are the chances everything goes as planned? I'm flying out with a one way ticket on the 29th, my life's possessions reduced to what I can carry with me. I will not have a home there, but a place to stay for a month or two. Maybe more, if it goes well. Maybe not. 

Leaving behind every positive routine that was holding me together and keeping me moving forward, I'm being evicted from Vermont entirely, thrust into the unknown. I don't know what healthy routines I'll be able to pull together. I don't know what my mental health will be like, or what options I'll have, to make the most of the situation.

My whole life is here in Vermont. My whole life will be gone in two weeks. I'm trying to be optimistic, but how in the world would I not be freaking the fuck out over all this?