cognitive distortions

I have trouble admitting that this is an issue.  My cognitive faculties are awesome, often the only thing I've had working in my favor - but that doesn't always work in my favor at all.  Social anxiety means always trying to imagine what might happen, how interactions might go, and that makes some sense, up to a point.  A point that I often blow right past before going off the rails and obsessing about something ridiculous.

A lot of it is plausible, well thought out, and that can make it especially deceptive.  I'm often afraid of things that could conceivably happen, without enough information to be sure how improbable it might be.  Even in trying to read people, I'm prone to guarding against worst case scenarios, rather than what's most likely.  It can be hard to tell, so better safe than sorry.  I probably shouldn't risk leaving my apartment or talking to anyone at all, just to be sure.

Starting martial arts classes, I have all sorts of concerns.  Some of them more valid than others.  I worry about being too fragile and feeble in my old age, but this is one of the most ridiculous of all.  I have no evidence that my body is going to disintegrate under the stress.  I seem to be able to handle it pretty well, all things considered.

Third class tonight, first two were kickboxing.  Not so bad, but now for the real test.  I have to say, it was pretty rough.  Towards the end, I had to take a break to avoid puking, I was so exhausted.  Walking home, my legs felt like jello.  I wasn't entirely sure I'd make it, but what was that feeling in my head?  A glimmer, I almost want to say, of happiness.  I haven't grappled in how many years?  It's hard at first.  It's supposed to be.

I also worry that I won't be able to find partners anywhere near my size, and this is a little more valid.  Not because I'm freakishly small, but at 5'6" (1.7m? and oh yeah, 55kg) it is a bit like being the smallest kid in class, all over again.  I think most people at my end of the height and build spectrum tend to avoid this sort of thing.  That is frustrating, but not a good reason for me not to go at all.

It was a bit of a issue in the kickboxing classes, but not as bad as expected in the judo class.  Two of the three people I was randomly paired with would have even been within a weight class.  The one guy who was bigger wasn't that much bigger.  So yeah, I worry about way too much stupid shit, instead of just doing what I want to do.