is covid over yet

 A few more days and I will be fully vaccinated. I will be able to go back to the gym on the 21st. I feel anxious but mostly numb. The problem is that getting back to the gym in itself does not feel like getting back on track. It won't help me find my way to adulthood or whatever the hell I was trying to do. It's a step that might help. It might not. In the meantime, I'm still back to being aimless again.

Why can't I just go back to school, of course. The problem is that it wasn't going well. The equation gets a little complicated, here. That school wasn't going well could be considered the real problem, but it's not that simple either. It might have worked out. The odds just weren't looking good. My academic counselor wasn't much help. I'd really hoped that I'd have some sort of career path figured out, at least vaguely. I'd hoped that would be something community colleges focus on, but there I go being all utopian idealist again. Have to live in the real world, where everything is crap.

It was expensive. It was time and energy consuming. A whole lot of it was crap. It makes less sense if it's not going to get me anywhere. I need something to aim for. So, the pandemic ruined it for me, in the sense that I'd have held on for another year or two. At least long enough to get my associates degree. It was a great experience that I'd have liked to keep going, but I can't do it honestly anymore. I can't hold my head up, thinking I'm finally getting my life together, anymore. Doh, I'm not. I don't think they can help with that. I need to figure something else out, which feels an awful lot like back to square one. Here's to the losers🍺

By not going though, I'll be able to focus on training. I keep thinking it an odd choice of things to focus on at this point in my life, but it will be nice to be able to really focus on it, for a change. I don't know if this counts as giving up or not. I've been working my ass off all year. I even jump rope every day now. I'll be really pissed if class is just as hard as it ever was and I manage to injure myself doing pushups as soon as I get back.

My plan is basically to hope I'm in a better place to come up with a plan after a few months of feeling alive again. Maybe then I'll even reconsider college. I don't know.