second sparring friday

Getting myself out the door today was extra tough. If I were still doing school and everything too, I'd have taken the day off. Training often felt like too much, after sitting in class for hours, then homework I was falling behind on. Now I can finally focus on this thing I'm not entirely sure I should be focusing on.

Today's been unseasonably cold and grey and I was so tired, I thought it must be covid. I know these vaccines aren't 100% and I've been putting that to quite a test. On Wednesday, we grappled while wearing masks, and a minute later, my partner's mask was somehow stuck in the collar of my gi, behind my head.

Lots of the class keeps wearing them though, despite being vaccinated. It's strange to me, I guess they're used to it, and feel it's the right thing to do. I'm sure they help at the supermarket, but at the gym, it seems largely pointless - that's why I haven't been going. They've been going this whole time, but wearing masks and social distancing. I'm guessing most of them have had covid already and don't know it. It's nice being there for the transition, where we're finally able to spar and grapple again.

Sparring went especially well tonight. We rotated partners and I got to spar all sorts of people. My brain seems to be working a little differently than it used to. I even remember all their names. One of them caught me with a question mark kick to the face. "Nice!" I exclaimed. I don't get hit like that often. 

I walked home afterwards feeling great. No nausea, not even those damn hiccups I often get after class.  I'm reluctant to admit being anything but miserable for fear that life will promptly clobber me for it. I'm afraid I'm not being exactly productive, but I don't know how much that matters. According to the plan, I'll give myself three months before I decide if I'll try doing more; going back to school or whatever else.

I'm not sure how much anything matters anymore. I don't know why I keep blogging. All my thoughts and ideas, it all seems like so much pointless noise. I wanted there to be some record of who I am, but even that seems insignificant now. Every one of us, an epic tale from the day we're born, to the day we take the whole story with us.

I'm tired of it all. I just want to do something I enjoy. Something that I'm good at.