struggle

 As soon as I get my head above water, I start thinking maybe I can fly. If I were content swimming, I'd lose the motivation not to drown. I was doing well for a moment there, only to come crashing back down again. Sitting in a heap for a while, recollecting myself, beginning the climb again to get back there, back to what was supposed to be my new baseline.

Maybe I shouldn't feel so bad about the low end of the cycle. Or maybe feeling bad is what gets me out of it. Life is so much contradiction and complication, guesses and beliefs. Maybe this, maybe that. Hold onto the hope that maybe I'm getting somewhere, as it's either that or sinking again. Where I am right now, a momentary snapshot of a mirage.

I made it to the gym twice this week. I failed to get there today, but doing better than last week. Maybe I'll do better next week. Maybe get back to that point where I get there five days a week again, before collapsing back into depression again.