the great reset

I was reminded yesterday that when I crash like this, I've learned to do a sort of reset. I've shown that I can do it, so why not just do that again? It doesn't feel like a matter of agency. Sometimes it just happens. I hit a point and I'm suddenly pulling myself back together. 

We can be doubtful that it isn't a matter of agency, and I find that strange. I can get off in the weeds going on about free will and pratityasamutpada, but there is a truth in between. It's not a simple direct will of good strong bootstraps, but I know there are habits and rituals I can get into that help. I know that I haven't been doing them lately. Getting back on track tends to start with getting back to these basics. A reset of sorts, back to the beginning of the process. 

Exercise, every day. I find this difficult to juggle with the classes I take. It counterintuitive to think I'd still need it. On the days I go, that's plenty of exercise. Almost too much, so I slack off when I don't go. It really needs to be every day. I know that. Otherwise the whole thing unravels, and I'm constantly trying to hold it together.

Diet. I haven't been doing much cooking, which for me, equates to not doing as much eating. I'm eating enough to maintain decent health, but not decent energy levels. What I am eating hasn't been as healthy because I've been lazy about shopping. Depression undermines all of this, but this can also undermine depression. I should be able to start buying proper ingredients and cooking again.

I was making those vegan pizzas, last I was making anything substantial. It was way more wheat flour product than I'm used to consuming. Largely because food like that seems to contribute to me feeling like crap. Maybe all those processed carbs sent me reeling into a depression. I don't know, but it sure didn't help.

My sleep has been lousy, too. Staying up later, sleeping later but not very well. I know that causes problems, but can balk at fixing it, because insomnia sucks. I can't just decide to start sleeping better. I can exercise every day though, and next thing I know, I'm sleeping better. When I'm sleeping better, I have more energy and focus to eat better. When I'm feeling better, because I'm sleeping better, eating better, and getting daily exercise, I get out and around people more, and suddenly, I'm talking about competing in BJJ tournaments again, right?

I don't know if reset is the right term, but it starts with looking at all these causal connections, going back to the first one I've been fucking up, and proceeding from there. Eventually I might find my way back to something better resembling so-called agency.