original face

Sometimes I'd read old blog entries and think to myself, this is really good. I like the person who would write something like this. These are my thoughts, surely one of the best reflections of who I am? To like the person as I express a persona here, that is to like myself, right?

Around people, it's amazing how much I stumble to express myself. Not entirely due to ineptness. There are a variety of considerations. It would be inappropriate to tell people all about myself, when we're training together. Still, how I express myself, in that interaction, is also who I am. Arguably more so, in any consequential sense.

That person writing blogs seems largely irrelevant to who I am when it actually matters. Very little of this filters through. I try, but so much of it is just reacting. Moments of insecurity, overcompensating, anxiety. Imperfect in all sorts of ways that aren't an issue when I have time to think things through without people everywhere. This version of myself, I have more trouble reconciling with. 

Allegedly I'm responsible for this person, but I don't understand how that could be true. That I'm finally able to get myself to do anything at all is still pretty new, and to my incessant horror, relapsing these days.

Speaking of being unhappy, it feels like WW3 is coming. This time, we're the Nazis, and we've got Japan, Germany, and all of NATO on our side. It's so fitting that Ukraine is Nazi central. The new Nazism is less about Jews or Aryan supremacy, and more about western supremacy, capitalism, and murderous on an even more massive scale. It's interesting how Ukrainian lore conflates Jews and Bolsheviks though. Jews, Russians, Communists, whatever. First, they did not come for the capitalists.

On the other side, the other half of the world. We in the west are told we're the whole world all the time, but there are a number of other really big powerful countries out there. If they can't stop us economically, they all have nuclear weapons to fall back on, too.

I want to stop worrying about it. It's amazing how not engaging with any of it can make it seem like everything is fine. It feels so much more real than something I have to go out of my way to learn about. If it's not fine, worry about that when it comes, my sister would say.

It's also a dopamine fix to be on the edge of our seats, rooting for the good guys. Knowing western belligerence though, compounded by increasingly incompetent governance, there will be no winners. Team USA may keep escalating, the closer Russia comes to winning. All the way up to attacking them directly, starting a nuclear war. 

Hell, there may be a chemical attack tomorrow, and nuclear war the next day. I'm not saying it's likely, but jfc it's not supposed to even be a remote possibility.