like me

Since I was young, I've had this idea that I've taken a part of each person I've spent much time with, as part of myself. I adapt as well as I can, and in so doing, evolve to incorporate elements of who I perceive the other person to be. There are numerous pitfalls to this, and I'd like to be able to stop. 

Whenever I'm around people, I'm hypervigilant about trying to figure out where they stand, because I fear that any deviation from their values or worldview might set them off, ruining my chances of being liked. I stumble a lot, as I try to get ahead of every interaction. I awkwardly say nothing when I don't have enough information to know what's safe to say. 

I warm up to people, I relax, as I develop a basic sense of how to adapt to whatever biases they have. I stand firmly by my beliefs, by not talking about them when it won't go over well. Even my firmly held beliefs change and evolve such that I may not believe them tomorrow. I'll even set them aside to a substantial degree, in my efforts to get along with people.

In trying to figure people out, in trying to figure my self out, I've become confused as to what the self really is. The idea that we need an identity is itself nonsensical. People have attributes and characteristics, we have preferences and interests. We might prefer someone quiet, or someone loud. We might try to adjust our own volume, if we want to be liked. 

Or we might say fuck off, this is "who I am." That has often been a mindset I've strived for, going all the way back to my mohawk as a teenager. I bristled at the very notion of conformity, but that was just a positive spin on a more fundamental problem.

Someone with more social confidence won't change their behavior for others, not because they're already the same, but because they fundamentally believe that being different is not going to pose problems. I was obsessed with [non]conformity because trying to be social made me feel compelled to conform. I felt that I wouldn't be liked if I didn't. I've longed to meet people "like me" because that's the only way I'd be able to finally relax.

That I've been so antisocial for so long has compounded the problem. It doesn't help uproot the problem when I'm not exactly well liked. I'm tolerated, I'm at times respected for my abilities, but I'm also a bit weird and off-putting. It's strange trying to sort this out from self esteem. I don't think that's a reflection of how I feel about myself. It's just my assessment of the reality of it. To some extent, a self-fulfilling prophecy, but knowing that doesn't seem to change anything.

When I interact with people, I do my best not to think about it, to put myself out there as if maybe I'll be liked. I know that assuming otherwise can't possibly go well. "Be myself," though, I don't think that means anything. I try to be someone that will be liked, but realize that's a contradiction, to even try. I'm supposed to be genuine. I need to put forth more of an identity of my own, or there isn't much to like or dislike.

I can't go lecturing people at the gym about the difference between Tochka-U and Iskander missiles, or the linguistic demographics of Ukraine, in my efforts to explain why I think Putin is the good guy. Maybe most people wouldn't really care that much one way or another. At least it would be a personality, right? Or maybe they'd throw me out of the gym for being a commie. I don't know.

I'm supposed to be myself, but wait wait, not that self.

v * Z * v

In any case, the latest bit is bullshit too of course. Ukraine blew up their own train station. Russia had no motive at all.  Tochka-U fragments strongly suggest it came from Ukrainian military. These were people trying to leave for Russia, which Ukraine has been doing everything to prevent. Even claiming Russia is abducting people, when they take in refugees. The Ukrainian battalions have been shooting Ukrainian civilians if they try to use the humanitarian corridors, but now Russia controls much more of the whole area. 

Russia gave out food and humanitarian supplies in Bucha. You can see the packaging in many of the gruesome photos. Imagine learning that the people you'd given it to were executed for it, as soon as you left. It should be noteworthy that the media doesn't even ask the question. It's just assumed that every attack must have come from Russia. At the very least, acknowledge the possibility.

Western media leaves out this massive piece of context; Ukraine is a deeply divided country. So divided, they've been having a civil war since the US-backed coup drove a massive wedge into the existing division. From Odessa to Donbass, Ukraine is Russian-speaking, and their government was turned against them.

Of course Ukraine would bomb their own people. They've been doing it for eight years already, killing thousands of civilians. This is a well-established, highly relevant and important fact, and that western media never mentions it is insane.