overcome

I'm not sure it's a good idea, but I find myself wanting to tell everyone how sick I used to be, even with the caveat that I'm not entirely better. I always want to share my excuses for not excelling at everything, so that people will cut me some slack for existing, but this is a little different.

Rather than see me as a normal person with poor social skills, I want people to know I was an agoraphobic type who barely left my apartment for decades, rarely interacting with humanity at all. 

This probably needs explaining, but in conversation, everything needs to be kept simple. I did step out of my shell on occasion. I was capable of it when it had to be done. I just really hated it. If we're measuring the amount of time I spend out in the world, it could be a rounding error. Somehow I moved around the country, but never left my apartments. How little I interacted with people has been shocking to me, looking back on it. 

In the moment, there are always reasons. Every moment can feel like a special case. For countless different reasons that were all really just one reason, I've gone my entire life without meeting people. Of course that's going to have negative consequences. 

I've been alone much more than not, but to be clear, I have had a few relationships. A few years ago, it struck me that they all started online, aside from the one that started in a mental ward. I was never out in the world, such that I'd ever meet and interact with people. When I lived with someone, they were the only person I'd interact with. Aside from being unhealthy for me, it was also not healthy for said relationships.

I'd make them answer doors and place orders, while I hid nearby. I'd only go grocery shopping if they went with me. I never held a job, because I couldn't even order a pizza, let alone dare a job interview, let alone most jobs. Still feeling bad about the whole job thing, so I want people to know how disabled I actually was. I remember sitting in the parking lot of a community college when I was in my twenties, paralyzed with fear of even getting out of the car. People my own age in all directions. They all looked so grown up.

Ever since going back to school, I've been having this recurring experience wherein I open my mouth in an attempt to express what I'm thinking, only to realize I don't know how to put it into words - but too late, I'm already trying to say things. Isn't my brain supposed to do this automatically? I'm practicing, I guess.

I have a ways to go, but I wish people knew where I was coming from. Now that it's behind me, I'm able to admit just how bad it really was. I was terrified of people. Now it's more accurate to say they make me anxious. I spent my whole life avoiding humanity, compounding the problem, but now I'm working on overcoming it.

If I do well enough at the kickboxing and judo, I have this notion that I'll get some extra slack. I hope it makes up for botching the talking to people bit.