anatomy of misanthropy

 As the prospect of overcoming mental health problems grows an ever more distant memory, I can see the anatomy of the isolation and misanthropy that develops. Being around people makes me feel inferior. They don't frame it that way for the most part, but on all different levels, the lack of interest or enthusiasm for anything, the hesitance to express anything, discombobulated and anxious, I don't work or drive and pay for my food with food stamps. I'm not an independent grown-up like they are. My value as a fellow human being seems to be in the gutter. 

I protected myself from that my entire life by distancing myself from it. Fuck it all. Fuck this grotesquely unequal society. Fuck people. 

The problem is that people are all that actually matters in this world, as far as much of our neurochemistry is concerned. I wasted my entire life, protecting myself. So I'm trying to change, but all this pressure is making me miserable. I just want to be alone, but my defenses are gone. That just makes me more miserable.

In turn, all this misery makes for even less of a winning personality. Less motivated, less interest in anything, more cynical and bitter about everything. It becomes so hard to even get to the gym where others might see what a failure of a person I am. Getting to the gym is supposed to be the one thing that helps, but I guess it depends on how bad the mental health gets.