just depression

So, I've realized that I hate my circumstances, I hate my life, I hate what I've become. Take away all the excuses and stories I've told myself all these years, and essentially, I hate myself. I hate the world for making me feel this way. I'm drowning in a sea of negativity and all anyone can tell me is that I should regret all this negativity, too.

And I wonder, is this how I've always felt? Have I exposed this ugly rot at the very foundation of my existence, or am I just so depressed, I'm putting a negative spin on my entire life? I talk about my medical condition and how it impacted my childhood, but what we know about self-esteem is that goes back further than that. It develops during early childhood and has more to do with relations and behaviors of caregivers, shading everything that happens afterwards.

I've spent my entire life begging the world to save me from this, but the world doesn't do that sort of thing. My whole life has been nothing but failure and misery. I can't lie to myself about that anymore. I'm trying to pull it together to get back to the gym, but how much does that even matter when I always end up back here. It's the only positive thing I've ever done, and it's been increasingly difficult to keep doing it. If only I had someone to go with, blah blah blah.

The last few years have been horrific, and I hate that instead of demonstrating any resilience or wisdom, I've only crumpled. It's not my fault, because this, because that, but it is what it is, I am what I am, and I fucking hate it.

Then I got to the gym. Maybe writing helps. My knee is fine. All puffy and weird, but relatively fine. My back is fine. The inflammation in my neck is 99.7% gone. My wrists hurt. All this is frustrating, but I got to the gym, it was fine, and I feel a lot better. It's a great painkiller, but painkillers tend to wear off.

I'm torn between listing all these valid reasons for feeling bad about myself, and thinking it's got nothing to do with any of that. It's a childhood development issue. I may have an entirely valid list, but so do lots of people. Life is rough for a lot of the world, and we tend to suck at dealing with that. This isn't to make excuses, but to point out that we're supposed to have self-esteem anyhow. Some people really are hated by everyone, and still feel ok about themselves. Why? Because that's how the brain is supposed to work.