commodities

I used to think that I like myself, and that was basically self-esteem. For years, I'd mull over the contradictions of thinking I like myself even if I have no worth to others. It didn't seem to add up.

What did I like about myself? What does it mean to like myself? I would read my blog, agree with my past proclamations, admire my choice of words. I'd like who that person seems to be. I might even argue that it's longwinded rambling about ourselves that best covers who we are. I wasn't sure what to make of the reality that this isn't a version of me that other people see at all. The people I meet out in the world haven't read my blog. By a fairly overwhelming margin, they don't want to.

The self is not a real objective thing. It's a trick of perspective, generally thought about in terms of looking for our own, but who we are is no less the behavior we exhibit around other people. People who don't think about who we are as separate from our circumstances. If someone has no legs, we don't think of them as who they'd be, with legs. When we consider ourselves, we might think this isn't me, this is just my circumstances. When we consider someone else, it's all the same. It's not your fault if you don't have legs, but it is what it is.

To assess the value or worth of something is not to measure an intrinsic quality, but how much weight it carries in a transaction. This requires interactions between people, and means nothing on its own. Self-worth is not a question of whether we like ourselves, but of whether we expect to be valued. Not necessarily liked, but valued.

To some extent, self-worth is a rational calculation we can try to make in any given situation, but it's also a core component of the human psyche. The person who expects the world to bend over backwards for them has an overinflated sense of self-worth. The less what we want matters, the less motivated we'll be to do much of anything, but escape. When we assess how much it matters what we want or need, and how much should be done to accommodate that, it's an assessment of how much we matter. 

I've always tried to be humble. I'm fine. I want nothing. Leave me alone to inexplicably wither away.