late spring

Cold and wet lately, but it's felt like summer for a while. Feels odd that's it's not summer at all yet. I'm feeling disconnected from it either way because I haven't been leaving the house much.

Physically and emotionally collapsed, but not sure which precipitated the other. I certainly didn't throw my back out on purpose, nor imagine being unable to turn to my left for a week. Should give my knees some time to rest anyhow, I figured. And my wrists, my neck, and whatever else. Then my left knee swelled with fluid over the kneecap, like my body is trying to make its own knee pad. It doesn't work well. It should go away on its own, but maybe it needs to be drained, I don't know.

I was emotionally collapsing anyhow. On some level, afraid I'm exaggerating and imagining my injuries because I just want an excuse to go back to sleeping all day. I hate sleeping all day. I hate that everything is so hard. Even trying to socialize is this monumental effort. I hate the lifelong desperate escapism that comes with life being more traumatizing than it was supposed to be. I'm losing hope that whatever progress I've made is ever going to be enough that I might become human.

I used to be proud of my writing. Now I find it embarrassing and pointless. Some part of me says to keep doing it, some other part of me can't always help it, but I'd rather people not know about it. Who am I but this collection of neurosis and complaining. It's been difficult finding common interests with anyone when I don't like or take interest in much of anything anymore. 

I haven't been able to get to the gym in a few weeks, let alone compete in anything.