consequentialism

Meaningful discussion on mental health can be difficult. The ideas can seem abstract, while common sense tells us people just need to get their shit together, suck it up, smile. This is comedic ignorance on par with being a flat-earther. Mental health is an attribute we all have and the primary difference between pursuing our goals and responsibilities, or becoming an alcoholic and sleeping all day.

Sometimes our baseline mental health is dysfunctional. I'm well acquainted with who I am if I relax and let myself be, and I dread becoming that person. Relaxing may sound superficially nice, but living with less intentionality is just a deep dark downward spiral for me.

So, I had all this structure I imposed on myself. Everything in my life was built around that structure. My belongings helped me make breakfast the same way every morning, or adhere to my workout routine. The people I knew motivated me to get the the gym. My ambitions were deeply interwoven with all the people I knew, people I wanted to work with, expectations to live up to, and wanting to impress. It all means so much less when we're talking about random strangers in a whole other city.

All of these things made me who I was. It's what held me together. This is all abstract to everyone, until I start getting drunk and sleeping all day. Then suddenly it's my fault.