disillusioned

I went from thinking that if only I get over my fears, I'd do reasonably well out in the world, maybe even exceptionally well, to thinking wow, I'm so rusty. I need lots of practice, I thought, so after years of practice, I only managed to fail everything I was trying to do. 

Something seems to be wrong with me, I concluded. Beyond depression, anxiety, and social skills, clearly there was something wrong with the way the world responds to me. Maybe there's more to this ADHD thing than I'd realized. The more I read, the more I saw that I check all the boxes.

..and then some ..to say the least. Holy shit, I'm autistic? Are you fucking kidding me. I've always thought I was different, but no, not like that.

To top that off, being on the autistic spectrum is too vague and ill-defined to be of much use to me. Does it mean I relate to others on the spectrum? No, they're all over the place. Does it give me any direction in terms of overcoming the real-world problems that it causes?  It makes me think my problems may be more fundamentally hopeless than I'd realized. It means other people will always think I'm weird, and not in a good way.

Finally moving forward and getting out into the world didn't help. I did not in fact do reasonably well. Just like before any of this, before I even started growth hormone again, I have no idea how to live here. Uprooted and tossed around like I have no agency, stranded living wherever I can. I don't want to do anything but hide. I feel lost, alone, and not because I'm too good for this world, but because I just inherently suck at everything and the world is brutal.

Even the things I've practiced the most, striving to get better for years and years, I'm good at in a lopsided way that makes it impossible to do anything with. My strengths are all so fatally flawed, I never get anywhere with any of it. Another ten years have gone by, as I get to that point where it looks safe to say, I never will get anywhere with any of it. It's just who I am. It's how it went. It's who I was.

For all my talk of the progress I've made in recent years, it turns out I've done nothing but fall apart. I don't very much like this pathetic person I've become, but such is reality. I would like to end my existence now, please.