chemistry

I met her the day I started training, back in 2018. She was just starting too. She's about the same weight that I am, so we made good training partners. At the time, that was my entire reason for wanting to train with her. I remember an instance where she opted to train with someone much bigger, because we'd been training with each other too often. I'd been careful about that ever since. At the time, I was afraid she might get the wrong idea if I tried to train with her too often. So much for that.

Before I joined the gym, I had no contact with humanity. Aside from the occasional grocery cashier. I often went weeks without speaking to anyone at all. I've gone most of my life starved for human connection, but suddenly I was getting to know all these people at the gym. Training was a great social buffer, because we don't have to talk much. It was a way of being with people, without needing social skills.

I went from being starved for human contact, to working on mount escape drills with a beautiful woman, and that proceeded to go on for years. The more I got to know her, the more impressed I was, but there's also some basic chemistry there that shouldn't need much explanation. I'm really vulnerable to this sort of thing.

It wasn't until I got back from Philly, that I finally developed the nerve to start really talking to her. We were conversing regularly for a while, until she stopped showing up about six months ago. I was never going to make any sort of move on her, but I thought it would be great if a friendship could develop, even if only a small step above being acquaintances and training partners. That would take time though, and time ran out.

At the same time, I was learning to talk to someone I was intensely attracted to, which had proven to be extraordinarily difficult. It took years. As with many things, I thought of it as practice. The first time we had a real conversation, it was a huge milestone for me. If I ever meet someone more appropriate, I'll be much better at handling that. I'm always trying to hang onto the hope that the future might still pan out, but it's not looking good. That makes it so hard to let go.