wrapping up

I'm feeling better today, back to the baseline lonely miserable I'm more familiar with, but I'm still having a hard time getting my head around how powerfully I reacted. I'd thought about contacting my old therapist immediately, but to be honest, writing like this is more helpful to me than he ever was. When I tried to explain the situation to him years ago, he seemed to think the healthiest approach would be to ask her out. He seemed to have trouble understanding the harm that was likely to do, and he seemed oblivious to just how ridiculously bad my odds of success would be. It still bugs me.

I wish people had different values. I wish they could see what an exceptional person I am (according to my own values, right?) I have a lot going for me, aside from my inability to be a functioning member of society. This lopsided mix of strength and weakness can't simply be averaged out. People in between don't understand any of it. People who share my disability without strengths of their own are in a very different world. As are those with comparable strengths, but no disability.

People like me, though? Theoretical. They must exist, but they don't go to my gym, and compounding things further, most people my own age can barely climb a flight of stairs. We need to match based on our strengths- that is, the things we like about each other. That feels extremely reasonable. Disabled people are expected to match on their disability instead though, which only makes sense if your attitude is that any relationship is better than none.

Writing all this out isn't going to help me though. I'm not feeling the need to vent the way I was. I'll probably be closing my blog again soon.