approval

It feels somewhat like realizing that the motivation for approval that I'm always crying about is really my own.  I don't approve of how I'm living, or the choices I'm making.  That's a whole lot easier to figure out how to do something about, than trying to make sense of what everyone else wants.  My kitchen is finally clean again too, because every time I look at it, I've been wondering what kind of scumbag lives here.

I know I said I'd be building some walls, but this is something else.  Crazy attachment transference shit, the wholesale collapse of my adenosine receptor blockade, or maybe just some brutally well placed criticism.  I don't know, but whatever it is, I'm going with it.

I'm skeptical though.  I know how deceptive a change in perspective can be, circumstances change, and suddenly I'm not feeling like I'm actually at the helm, anymore.  Started having some doubts when I woke up this morning.  Some coffee would have definitely helped in the short term, but I got up.  I meditated, got some exercise.. ok, then I fell back to sleep for a bit, but I think I'm still making progress here.

For now, the one downside seems to be that I'm having trouble writing about anything other than all this.  I'm hoping I can keep this going, but maybe calm down about it a bit.  Mental health intake appointment this Thursday.  I am going to need any help I can get to take this a step further, so I'll go look for help.  My brain doesn't usually work like that.