executive decisions

Got off the phone with my PCP a bit ago, he's having trouble finding someone with any openings.  He informed me that the normal insurance rules don't apply to mental health services, and that I could actually just pick someone myself, as long as they accept my insurance.  I can go through local listings, make my own decision.  I've seen lots of mental health professionals in my life.  It occurred to me that not once did I choose any of them, myself.

Then I think about why I'm seeing this practitioner in the first place.  I had no idea how to choose a PCP, so I asked my cousin, and this was the place she knew of.  A clinic, which assigned someone to me.  I just went along with it all, because that's what I do.  My father does the same thing.  It's daunting, so many choices, many look so terrible.  Other people hardly know or care what I'm looking for though, and apparently there's a shortage of doctors willing to see poor people, but I'd probably make a better choice than some random person I get stuck with.

This is pretty much why I'm on disability.  Once I ended up this way, I've just gone along with it.  I've posted about the choices I've made in my life, but it's mostly been about finding ways not to make any choices.  I've never understood why I'm like this.  It really is a whole lot less fun than it sounds. I'm still having this odd feeling that I might be ready to do something about it.

I feel as though I've been making a lot of very straight forward statements lately, in admonishment of the ridiculous ways I've been living my life.  Maybe all that omega-3 I've been taking is finally paying off, right?  I'm a little nervous about the drop-off prior to Zoloft kicking in, though.  My optimism and executive decision making may start to wane for a while.

This frustration I express over which psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner I end up with is really frustration with myself.  I'm still figuring out how this looking for help business works.  Navigating society looks like it'll take some trial and error.